


why the hell'd you love me (when I don't even love myself)

by frootjuiceg



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bullying, Character Study, Developing Friendships, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Relationship Study, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Strangers to Lovers, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24950239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frootjuiceg/pseuds/frootjuiceg
Summary: At first Hinata paid no mind to the situation, until he saw one of the taller figures grabbing the one on the ground and pulling him up from his collar.The boy with golden tips and black roots turned to look at his broken phone on the ground and happened to raise his gaze at Hinata standing 10 meters from him. The gaze was in the same time desperate for help and horrified of being seen.As the bully pushed the boy with glistening golden hair to the ground, separating their gazes from each other, Hinata’s feet started to move on their own.✿ ✿ ✿AU where the Nekoma-team attends Karasuno and Kenma is struggling with bullies. One day Shouyou saves him and finds himself wanting to befriend the lonely boy.The story of their relationship as they try to navigate through their own insecurities and weaknesses,  and learn what friendship and love mean to them.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 39
Kudos: 223





	1. my lungs are black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will be a look at how Shouyou and Kenma's relationship would develop in a different setting and different circumstances.  
> It will mostly be about their daily lives and conversations together, getting to know and care about each other.
> 
> The fic will contain some, very mild depictions of bullying, name-calling and homophobia, also depictions of social anxiety and an anxiety attack in a later chapter. Definitely nothing extreme, but just want to watch out for you guys anyway! <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! ✿ UPDATED WEEKLY!

Hinata was enjoying the last pieces of his popsicle he had bought from Ukai’s store. He had already separated from the other Karasuno volleyball players who were on their way home, and was now left alone, wandering to his bike. He listened to the wind and birds, which created the soundscape of the August afternoon.

It had been 5 months that he started attending the Karasuno High and joined the school’s volleyball team. The students had just returned from their summer holiday a week ago and the team was enjoying their last normal practices until the harder training for the prefectural preliminaries. Today his volleyball teammates and friends from the first-grade had left early to study- Tsukishima and Yamaguchi travelling home together as always, Kageyama being picked up by his sister and their newest addition, Lev, biking home to eat early.

Hinata was in no hurry as he went to retrieve his bike next to the wall where he had left it next to the store. Suddenly he heard a small groan coming from around the corner. Curiously, he peeked to see what was happening, _maybe someone had fallen down or an animal was in trouble,_ Hinata thought, but instead he saw three figures hovering over a smaller one next to the school wall.

At first he paid no mind to the situation, until side-glancing them again, seeing one of the taller figures grabbing the one on the ground and pulling him up from his collar.

Hinata was no stranger to bullying. Luckily he had escaped his bullies already after the first-grade of middle school. Once he had gained friends during the first-year through his small volleyball team, the bullying had stopped. After that he had only been teased for his hobby, his height and his personality for the last two years of the same school. But for the last two years, his friends had always backed him up when he was being cornered, mentally or physically, but bullying had hurt him nonetheless. He was lucky to have such an accepting and friendly team here at Karasuno, where he had already befriended all of his teammates.

While in his thoughts, Hinata had not noticed or heard the commotion the three boys (one definitely being their leader) were causing. The boy with a black hoodie, over what seemed to be the uniform of Karasuno, was trying to pry the hands of his bully open and be released from the uncomfortable and intimidating grip. In the meantime, the bully’s lips seemed to spit poison at the thin boy, grabbing him even harder and pushing his back to the wall for the second time. The black-haired bully reached for the black hoodie of the bullied boy, pulled out his phone and threw it on the ground.

“This is what you get, when you try to ignore us by playing your games.” Hinata heard the boy say with a raised voice.

The observing redhead was finally raised from his thought, when the boy with golden tips and black roots turned to look at his broken phone on the ground and happened to raise his gaze at Hinata, standing 10 meters from him. Hinata stared at the golden orbs. The gaze was in the same time desperate for help and horrified of being seen.

As the bully pushed the boy with glistening golden hair to the ground, separating their gazes from each other, Hinata’s feet started to move on their own.

He knew that look. He had probably had that look on his face many times as he was pushed to the ground in middle school. Even though he knew someone helping might be the last thing the pudding-haired boy wanted, he could not leave him to his own. Something in those eyes told him, demanded him even, to do something.

He arrived just in time in front of the boy on the ground, spreading his arms and shielding the other from the shoe of the bully that had already been headed towards the boy’s stomach.

“STOP!” Hinata shouted without hesitation. He knew they two would be at a disadvantage but hoped that his unwavering demeanor and the element of surprise would scare the bullies away.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” The leader of the gang scowled.

“I can’t watch from the side as you three gang up against one”, Hinata frowned.

“Oh, he can take it. We’ve never had any misunderstandings about that, right?” the bully glanced at the boy behind Hinata, who was now hiding his face behind his knees as he squatted on the ground.

“I happen to know the shop keeper right around that corner and he will come here right now to deal with this, if you won’t leave this boy alone.” Hinata gestured at the corner where he had come from. Coach Ukai was in fact at the shop. How he would have called for him, he didn’t know and didn’t have to, since the boys started to back down, still displaying proud smirks on their faces.

“Whatever.. We’ll come back some other time again. See you, Kozume!” Hinata stayed put as long as he saw that the fiends had disappeared from his sight.

He barely had time to sigh in relief when he turned to see the boy gone. He caught a glimpse of golden hair flashing as the boy ran around the corner where Hinata’s bike still stood.

“Wait!”, Hinata ran after him, but couldn't catch him anymore. He did have his bike, but thought it would have been a bit too intimidating to chase him with a bike. The boy had been wearing the same uniform as he, but Hinata had never seen him at school. It didn’t help that the boy was almost as short as he and even thinner and more unnoticeable in the crowd of the hallways. But he wanted to imagine that he would have noticed such pretty eyes, if he had ever seen them.

Those eyes kept haunting Hinata all the way till his home, where he swiftly greeted his mother and sister and crashed on his bed. He relived some of his own memories of bullying as he stared at the ceiling of his room. He had rarely faced physical bullying on the first-year of middle school, but he had daily been called names, mainly during the club, when he was the only member of the boy’s volleyball team or had to play with girls. He never paid any mind to them and after getting his mixed team together, the name-calling had stopped. Nevertheless, it had left him feeling uncertain or unworthy of his skills and his team in Karasuno, even though always supported him.

He started to wonder about the slightly taller boy and if he was all alone too. He didn’t have anyone to help him with the bullies, even though it didn’t seem like the first occasion this had happened to him. Hinata's face twisted sadly at the thought that the boy, “Kozume” apparently, had to face such terrible treatment, maybe even daily, _who knows?_ He thought about Kozume-san for a while, until stood up from the bed to eat dinner and smiled to himself as he silently decided that he wouldn’t let this unfortunate boy be alone anymore.

✿✿✿✿✿

He had almost forgotten about the event the next day at school.

He was walking with Kageyama on his side, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi following after them as they headed for their next class, and Hinata almost screamed when he suddenly caught the same pudding-colored hair walking down the stairs. He was too far to call out for the boy in the middle of all these people in the hallway, but close enough to recognize him to be indeed Kozume.

Hinata did let out a squeak and stared intently at Kozume walking with his phone in his hand, alone as Hinata had feared.

Kageyama looked at his friend confused and followed his gaze to the stairs but didn’t know what Hinata was looking at.

“That’s him! Kageyama, can you see him??” Hinata pulled on Kageyama’s sleeve.

“What on earth are you talking about, idiot?” Kageyama yanked his hand and sleeve back.

“Oh.. it was this one boy named Kozume.. I saw him yesterday close to coach Ukai’s shop and he was being bullied..” Hinata pouted as he glanced at Kageyama.

“Huh? That boy with black roots is Kozume? I’ve heard about him..” Tsukishima chimed in. “Apparently Fukunaga from our team is in the same class as him, so he’s a second-year student. I only knew his name until now..”

“What else? Does he have any friends??” Hinata turned to Tsukishima, glad to get some information from him. Tsukishima seemed reluctant to talk too much, since he didn’t personally know Kozume-san but had only heard rumors and what little Fukunaga had told about his class.

“I think he’s always alone, at least in class. Fukunaga once talked to me about how he felt sorry for him, since he sometimes gets into arguments with his classmates.. Apparently Kozume never talks back or does pretty much anything. I think he might be bullied outside of school too, but really I’ve never even known what he looks like..”

“Oh, I think some people on Noya’s and Tanaka’s class like to make rumors about him and that’s why he’s usually avoided and thought to be weird.. I think he might be, if he never tries to converse with his class or fight back..” Kageyama added.

“Well, it would be hard make friends if everyone thinks he is weird.. I think he might just be lonely..” Hinata looked back at the stairs, hoping that the boy could come back.

“Why are you so invested, Hinata?” Yamaguchi asks with a smile.

“I helped him yesterday with the bullies but he just ran away from me.. I would have wanted to talk to him, since he seemed so alone..” Hinata rubbed the back of his head and pouted a bit.

“Well, I think it could be a good idea. If you see him in school, you should introduce yourself, I bet he remembers you.” Yamaguchi smiled again.

“But still.. if he just ran away, doesn’t that mean he didn’t want to become your friend?” Kageyama is skeptical like always, but Hinata knows he’s just being wary of Hinata’s own past of being bullied.

“I think he had no choice but to run away, he must have been scared at the moment.. but I don’t expect him to become my best friend right away, I just want to talk a bit..” the four started walking again as the class bell rang.

“Good, because that place is already taken” Kageyama smirks and Hinata slaps him in the back so hard that Kageyama drops his books from his lap.

“Hinata, you idiot!”

✿✿✿✿✿

In the afternoon of the same day, Hinata was tying his shoelaces at the front of the school, all of his teammates having already left the gym. He had forgotten some of his books, which he now had in his backpack. The last classes of the day had already ended 30 minutes ago, so it was nice and quiet and Hinata basked in the afternoon sun.

He had closed his eyes for too long, because he didn’t notice a boy walking out of the school doors with a phone in his hands, towards the gate. When he opened his eyes, he looked at the person whose footsteps were the only sound to break the silence around him. His eyes widened immediately when he recognized the black hoodie and the small tufts of blond hair peeking underneath it.

“Kozume-san!!” he shouted, maybe a bit too loud, since the boy, Kozume, jumped, glanced at Hinata and picked up his pace.

“Hey, wait!” Hinata quickly caught up to Kozume, who kept on walking.

“Don’t you remember me?” Hinata walked in front of the other and grinned widely.

Kozume glared at him and tried to go around him. “Sure, thanks..” he muttered and walked away.

“Kozume-san, wait up! I just wanted to get to know you! Could we walk home together?” Hinata matched up with Kozume’s pace and his eyes were shining way too brightly after the question.

“I’d prefer you to leave me alone..” Kozume kept walking with his eyes on his shoes, phone back in his pocket.

“Umm.. you seem to be mad.. Look, I’m sorry if I intervened without permission, I really am..” The spark in Hinata’s eyes had dimmed, Kozume noticed when he glanced at the obnoxiously bright boy with an even more obnoxious hair color, Kozume thought.

“…I wanted to help you though, so I hope you won’t hate me.. I would really like to get to know you so that you wouldn’t have to go through something like that alone..” Hinata sucked on his lower lip, upset that he had made Kozume-san this upset.

“I can take care of myself alone. I’m not interested in becoming anyone’s friend and I don’t need anyone to look after me..” Kozume spat. “Beside, you must be younger and you’re shorter than me..” he tried to reason, why Hinata wasn’t likely even able to help him with his older bullies.

Just as per Hinata's character, he completely ignored the outburst. “Yeah, you’re in second grade, right? I’m in first grade, 1-D actually. And I’m Hinata Shouyou!!” he jumped in the air.

Kozume stared at him again like he had grown a second head. “-me Kenma..” he mumbled.

“Huh?” Hinata tilted his head like a puppy.

“My name is Kozume Kenma, but could you please now leave me!” he shouted, but it was more distressed than angry.

Hinata smiled widely. “Nice to meet you, Kozume Kenma-san! I’m gonna go this way now, so see you around?” Hinata started to walk backwards and waved at Kozume.. _actually he liked the name Kenma a lot better._

Kenma glanced at him the last time and then looked away, doing nothing but pulling his phone back away from his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title and chapter titles are inspired by Ed Sheeran's "Best part of me". The chapter titles don't really have anything to do with the content.
> 
> I came up with this fic, because I really love the concept that Kenma is bad at socializing, but lets Shouyou close to him eventually. I can really relate to Kenma and want to study his character and how he could cope with being lonely and lost, when suddenly someone wants to build a relationship with him. I just added some extra details to spice up the situation, like that he's bullied and also at Karasuno ;)
> 
> I will be updating about once a week, probably not on a specific day, though, but I try to be consistent anyway!! ♡
> 
> I sooo glad for anyone reading, commenting and leaving kudos to my fic, I hope you are as excited to see their relationship develop as I am!! *.*


	2. my heart is pure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata saw glimpses of Kenma and decided to follow the boy that seemed to have his own lunch with him. Hinata hoped that he could accompany Kenma so that his new friend wouldn’t have to be alone.

After finally introducing himself to Kenma, the next day at lunch Hinata was already bragging about how he had made a new friend of the pudding-haired boy. He, Kageyama, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi usually ate their lunches together, since their homerooms were so close to each other.

The others didn’t seem to be too impressed about it, even if Hinata himself was beaming.

“So, just to make sure again.. you actually talked to him and did not just stalk him or something?” Tsukishima smirked and picked up a piece of his lunch.

They had to now watch out for Hinata’s chopsticks even more than usual, as they were flying around along Hinata’s gestures. Kageyama had already experienced getting pocked in the eye by them, so he especially kept dodging the flying sticks.

“Of course!! We walked home together for a while and we did talk..” Hinata pouted. He was incredibly proud of himself. His memory of the conversation might be a bit too positive than it was in reality, but to him it was enough that Kenma had answered him and not completely pushed him away. Not that he usually had any problems making friends or being afraid to, but he knew that getting used to his energy takes time for some people and he was willing to wait with Kenma.

“And he said that you are now friends?” Kageyama added and Hinata couldn’t believe how doubtful everyone was.

“Well.. I said I want to get to know him better and he didn’t refuse! And we even introduced ourselves!” Hinata smirked and puffed out his chest. That earned a laugh from Tsukishima, a scoff from Kageyama and a snicker from Yamaguchi.

“WE have introduced ourselves too and it doesn’t make us friends..” Tsukishima laughed. Hinata was about to verbally jump to Tsukishima’s throat, but Yamaguchi interrupted it, and saved Tsukishima’s ass like he usually did.

“Tsukki just can’t admit it, we are all friends!..” he glanced at Tsukishima and the other rolled his eyes.

“.. but what I can tell, Kozume-san seems very shy and you should be careful, when trying to become his friend. You have to consider his feelings too, Hinata. But that said, I wouldn’t mind introduce us to him when you become friends!” Yamaguchi smiled at the end and Hinata could only feel lucky to have at least one friend who wasn’t so emotionally constipated as the other two. He couldn’t see any problem with befriending Kenma, but he was happy that his other friends would be there to help if needed.

“Well, if you really are going to put effort into this, I saw Kozume-san just walk past our class..” Kageyama motioned towards the door with his chopsticks, where Hinata’s back had been faced.

“Ahh!! I want to go talk to him!! It’s so rare that I see him at school! Thanks, Kageyama!” Hinata had gathered his lunch in maybe two seconds and was speed-walking towards the hallway- he had gotten in trouble for running too many times.

Not wanting to shout in the hallways either, Hinata just saw glimpses of Kenma and decided to follow the boy that seemed to have his own lunch with him. Hinata hoped that he could maybe accompany Kenma so that his new friend wouldn’t have to be alone.

Kenma walked for a while until he already exited the building where first- and second-year classes were. Hinata almost never went across to "the other side" where all the third years were having their classes.

✿✿

Just as he thought that he had lost Kenma, he saw the two-colored boy sit on a bench outside. It was at the back of the thir-years' building and the place seemed really quiet and unoccupied. Kenma must really like to eat his lunch, where no one can find him. It sounded sad to Hinata, but the feeling was soon replaced with surprise as he saw Kenma sitting beside someone.

Hinata didn’t think about it for too long but made his way to the pair. One of them almost as short as him and the other tall and lanky with the wildest black hair Hinata had ever seen. He was already curious of what their relationship was.

“Ke- Kozume-san!!” Hinata waved. He thought about Yamaguchi’s words and tried to tone down his boldness and be more careful not to step over any boundaries.

Kenma looked at him almost devastated. He had not expected to actually hear from the sunny boy again or definitely not see him at the “secret” place where he and Kuroo usually had lunch.

“Oh-ho! Who’s this, Kenma?” the black-haired boy smirked.

“I’m Hinata Shoyou!! Nice to meet you!” he bowed at the taller boy, who seemed to be much more mature than him. Little did he know, that he wasn’t.

“Kuroo Tetsurou. I’m Kenma’s best friend and childhood friend, since you seem to be interested in him.” Kuroo laughed.

“Oh, Kozume’s friend?” Hinata was excited to know Kenma had someone he trusted and seemed to be very good friends with. “I actually just met Kozume a few days ago, even though I've attended Karasuno for like 3 months already! I have been wanting to talk more with him. Do you often have lunch here, it’s so peaceful and quiet..” Hinata tried to ask Kenma, who seemed to not want anyhing to do with the conversation judging by the way he almost hid behind Kuroo.

“Yeah, everyday when we can. I’m a third year, so we don’t see each other at school otherwise. But let me ask, Hinata-kun, how did you meet my Kenma here?” he smirked again and Hinata had a feeling he would be seeing a lot of it.

Just as he was starting to answer, Kenma intervened.

“Hinata just saw me after school the other day and helped me with the guys form my class.. It’s no big deal.. a-and I don’t even really know him..” Kenma tried to explain since he seemed a bit embarrassed about the situation. Hinata was just happy to hear that Kenma thought he had helped him.

“Those guys again.. Koyama and his little gang? Why didn't you tell me time?” Kuroo turned to Kenma.

“It doesn’t matter..” Kenma looked away.

“Oh, you know about it, Kuroo-san? They were really intimidating Kozume-san and I tried to chase them away before they could do anything worse.”

“Of course I know. Kenma just doesn’t let me intervene, but I have tried talking and confronting them, but I rarely see them at school..” Kuroo frowned.

“I said I just try to stay away from them. It’s all fine, really..” Kenma looked irritated and wanted to end the conversation.

Instead, Hinata took a place next to Kenma and opened his lunch box, like the other two had already done. “Is it fine if I eat with you?” he smiled at Kenma.

Kenma frowned now, but Kuroo assured that he could stay. They were making small talk about their school works and their classes, Kuroo and Hinata that is, while Kuroo tried to drop in small details about Kenma, which always seemed to draw Hinata’s interest. Kenma glared at his best friend when the other wasn’t stopping talking about all the video games Kenma played and which subjects he liked.

“Hey, Kozume-san! Um.. do you think it would be fine if I used your given name?” Hinata finally asked after thinking about it for a while. He decided it needed to be the first step towards their friendship and besides, he really liked the name, it fitted the boy and sounded cute.

“Huh???” Kenma blushed in the same time as his wide eyes met Hinata’s.

“I’m sure it’s fine! Kenma has always preferred his given name! Right, Kenma?” Kuroo leaned his elbow on Kenma’s shoulder, their height difference perfect for it. 

“…whatever..” Kenma mutters.

“Really?? I’m so happy, Kenma! You can call me Shouyou too.” The name seems so right in his mouth. He couldn’t deny that he hadn't been already testing it out last night, though.

Kenma pouts, but Kuroo notices that the blush won’t leave Kenma’s cheeks for the next few moments.

“Oh, well, Chibi-chan. I guess it’s time for you to head back already. But I’ll see you again, I guess?” Kuroo stretched as he got up from the bench to leave. Only when the bench became more vacant again, did Kenma notice that Hinata was way too close to him. So Kenma got up too.

“Kenma, can you show me the way back? We can go together!” Hinata went to follow Kenma, and the leading boy didn’t say anything.

✿ ✿

When they reached the hallway where Hinata’s classroom was, Kenma was still going down the stairs. Eager to say goodbye after their almost silent walk back to their building, Hinata called out to Kenma, who is already halfway the stairs.

“Kenma! See you soon!” The hallways were already empty since the classes had started a few minutes prior. Neither of them really cared, and Kenma's teacher was probably late again anyway.

Kenma blinked at the figure standing at the top of the stairs, the sunshine behind the boy making him look glowing. Something about the innocence of Hinata’s voice and benevolence that seems to shine through him like the sunlight behind him made Kenma snap.

“Why? Why would you want to see me again?” he stared at the bright boy. Hinata wasn’t startled by the accusation, seeing only disbelief in Kenma’s eyes.

“As I said.. I want to be your friend-“ Hinata tried to smile, but was interrupted.

“No, you don’t! No one wants to be my friend! Stop lying!” Kenma was not raising his voice a lot, but it was a significant change compared to how quiet he usually was.

“I’m not lying, Kenma.. I’d never lie about something like that.” Hinata was worried about Kenma’s words that seemed to reflect his mindset and self-image.

“Everyone does, I’m not what you think I am! I don’t want friends and nobody wants to be my friend..” Kenma rarely got mad at his bullies or the people spreading rumors about him. That he might have deserved in some twisted way, but he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve getting his hopes up, just to be lied to or forgotten, when Kenma inevitably didn’t turn out to be interesting or a good friend.

“That can’t be true..” now Hinata’s voice was much closer to Kenma as he had come down the stairs to face him. “I genuinely think you seem very nice and interesting and cool! I also think it’s wrong how some people in this school treat you and I want to help. It’s unfair if someone has made you believe that no one wants to be your friend. Because I do! I really, really do!” Hinata’s eyes glistened.

Kenma kept staring until he could feel the genuinity behind Hinata’s words. It made him reconsider the request that the his new acquaintance had made him. He still was questioning how he could be special enough in any way to interest such a friendly, honest and energetic boy. He couldn't understand it, but maybe he didn't need to, yet.

“But still I can’t force you, of course..” Hinata continued after he onyl received a silenve from the other. The choice was indeed Kenma’s, he tried to brace himself.

“Okay, Hinata.. I believe you..” Kenma looked away when he spoke. For a long time he hadn't let anyone new come even close to him, and in all honesty, he felt a bit relieved. Though, he didn’t essentially tell the boy they could be friends, but wanted to give him a chance.

Hinata twitched with joy in front of Kenma. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, trying to reach for Kenma with them but decided against it in the end. He just nodded and basically ran into his class.

Kenma continued down the stairs slowly and was surprised when he couldn’t quite lower the ends of his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a lot longer than I was planning, because I was away from home for a few days :( But finally I can give you guys this start of their relationship, whatever it will become ;)))
> 
> It seems natural to me that Kenma would at first be very careful and cautious of new people, especially as overwhelming as Shouyou. Though, I think Shouyou really can somehow empathize with Kenma and luckily doesn't give up so easily ;) Shouyou just really has to find the right way to communicate with Kenma and try to understand how his mind operates, even if he does it in his own way ^u^
> 
> Thanks everyone for giving kudos and continuing reading!! <33 I'd love to hear your comments too!!


	3. my hands are scarred from nights before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week after their first lunch, their walk home is cut short.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bullying, physical intimidation and slight verbal abuse in this chapter!

What started after that lunch break was, that almost everyday at lunch Kenma and Kuroo would at some point see an orange head pop up from inside the school building and head to their way. Sometimes Hinata stayed for the whole lunch and sometimes he had first eaten his back at his class and came to only briefly greet his two new friends. Every time he and Kenma would walk back to their classes together too.

Hinata did in no way mind Kuroo’s company either. Kuroo always welcomed him with open arms and they had rather quickly become friends too. Kuroo seemed as lively as Hinata, in a different way maybe, so their lunch breaks were not lacking of topics to talk about. Still the oldest boy noticed that Hinata was indeed most interested in topics about Kenma. Kuroo felt happy that someone was interested in getting to know Kenma, but it only showed in the form of a smirk on his face. Kenma was actually enjoying that Kuroo had someone to talk to during their lunches too.

Kenma usually greeted Hinata and let him sit beside him but wasn’t actively joining the conversation. Usually their lunch breaks alone with Kuroo consisted of Kuroo trying to ask about Kenma’s day and class, while Kenma responded with single-word answers and played a game on his phone. Kuroo knew that it meant Kenma was 100% comfortable with him, so he didn’t mind at all, happy to accompany his best friend. When they sometimes spend time together after school, Kenma was usually more eager to talk and converse.

That wasn’t the only thing that had changed, since Kenma found Hinata waiting for him after school on a few occasions.

First Hinata was confused that he saw Kenma still at school 20 minutes after all the classes had ended. He had heard from Kuroo that Kenma wasn’t in any clubs either. The only reason Hinata was at school at those days was because he usually was chatting after practice with his friends.

He had asked about it but Kenma had always tried to avoid the question. He had deducted that Kenma wanted to wait everyone else leave the school before he did, probably to minimize the chance of conflicts.

So, whenever Hinata could, he tried to catch with Kenma and walk with him the few blocks their ways home overlapped. The environment outside of school seemed to relax Kenma a lot, since Hinata usually heard a lot more of Kenma’s voice then, in comparison to their lunch breaks or the times they greeted each other in the school hallways, which Kenma did reluctantly.

Kenma of course felt it was more Hinata’s presence than anything else that calmed him.

✿✿✿✿✿✿

One week after their first lunch, their walk home was suddenly cut short.

Kenma froze when he saw Koyama and his two lackeys hanging around outside of the school, talking to each other. Kenma tried to avoid them by lowering his head and putting the hood of his black hoodie on his head. He could already see that their paths would cross, and with Hinata by his side, the idea seemed even more scary than usually.

Hinata hadn’t noticed Kenma’s precautions until one of the boys bumped his shoulder with Hinata’s.

“You think you are just gonna walk away without saying ‘Hi’, Kozume?” the tallest boy, Koyama had situated himself in front of Hinata and Kenma, while the other two were now already trying to block their exit from behind them.

When Hinata realized the situation they were in, Hinata put his hand in front of Kenma to protect him, hoping it could help. Adrenaline was already flowing through his veins, Kenma’s health and safety being the priority for him in the situation. The second-years didn’t seem to care.

“Long time no see! If I remember correctly, last time our talk got interrupted..” Koyama didn’t even glance at Hinata, but kept his eyes fixed on Kenma.v

“Not that a loser like you would remember, though. You’ve never been of any use, not for the team anyway. It just makes you pathetic for thinking you could fit in here or that anyone would care for such a lonely, depressing loser. So why are you even trying anymore?” Koyama was already laughing mockingly, when he saw Kenma’s face twist in disgust, at the words or at himself, either way, Koyama found it amusing. “I’ve just heard more rumors of how weird you are, everyone thinks so. You’re really a freak.”

Hinata was listening to the mean words pointed at his friend. He knew that lashing out would only make things worse, but he was seeping with anger.

“What right do you have saying something like that to Kenma?” Hinata stared at the bully intently, clear anger in his eyes. Koyama finally tore his eyes from Kenma and looked at the other boy instead.

“What do you think you know about anything, huh?” Koyama smiled deviously. “You think you’re friends or something? He doesn’t have friends- no one wants to be his friend.” The words sounded too familiar to Hinata.

“I am his friend, so I don’t want to hear you talk to him like that ever again!” Hinata was so angry he almost stomped his foot.

“Kenma, don’t you know what happens to everyone who is your friend already?” he glared at Kenma and suddenly grabbed the collar of Hinata’s shirt, continuing.

“That would make this boy, your friend, a loser too! You think he can help you? You will just ruin both of your pathetic lives!” the black-haired boy was smirking, while his friends snickered too.

As soon as Kenma noticed that Koyama had attacked Hinata, he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that nothing would happen, that he could just get away from the words and the sight.

“Everyone will leave you in the end.”

He was too weak to do anything but obey.

“You should just stop trying and face that you will never have friends. They just all lie in the end, but we’re telling you the truth, Kozume.”

He couldn’t save Hinata and he definitely couldn’t save himself. _He must really be a loser, good for nothing, a failure, a freak…_

The thoughts got louder and louder in Kenma’s head as Koyama kept provoking him and Hinata. The orange-haired boy had grabbed Koyama’s wrist and was already making his opinion known, defending Kenma and their friendship.

Kenma couldn’t hear it anymore and couldn't take it. He couldn’t let this continue.

“HE IS NOT MY FRIEND!!” he shouted with tears ready to fall from his eyes as he pushed Koyama out of his way and ran.

Koyama was surprised but still amused at what happened and didn’t notice Hinata wriggle his way out of his grasp. The boys just shrugged and decided the show was over as Hinata was running after his friend, Kenma. Because he still was.

He didn’t believe Kenma’s words for a second. If these boys had been saying stuff like this to Kenma all this time, it was not wonder he was so wary and scared. The words can soon become a reality if you’re not strong enough to fight them. And with Kenma having to deal with it all alone, he must have given up a long time ago, seeing how deep the thoughts had rooted themselves into Kenma’s mind.

Going after him and hopefully clearing both of their thoughts, didn’t mean that Kenma still wanted to be his friend, but he couldn’t let Kenma be alone, like he always had been until now.

✿✿

After chasing him for a while through a park that located next to their school, Hinata finally found his friend sitting under a tree in the more secluded part of the park, squeezing his knees to his chest.

He silently tried to approach the boy, but soon hurried over to him when he saw Kenma trembling. The boy was clearly frightened when Hinata sat next to him on the grass and was still in a state of shock.

“Hinata, please, leave me alone!” he shouted into his knees, not looking up.

“Kenma, you’re clearly not feeling well..” he stated matter of factly.

“I don’t need you to tell me, Hinata!! I want to be alone, I don’t need you!!” Hinata could tell that he was crying, but Kenma tried to hide is as best as he could.

It made Hinata’s heart twist in his chest too, and he did what he had to, without thinking much about it.

Kenma felt warm hands wrap around him as he still hugged his knees. The hands that belonged to Hinata were holding him firmly but still comforting him, saying that he wouldn’t leave no matter what Kenma told him.

“Hinata, we’re not really friends. I’m not your friend, we don’t know anything about each other. I’m pathetic, uninteresting and unsocial and don’t even deserve friends. You won’t lose anything, so just leave me alone!” Kenma hoped his words would take affect if he repeated his wish enough times.

“Even if I’m not your friend, I won’t leave you! I’m sorry, Kenma, but you can’t push me away that easily. What you don’t deserve is hearing the lies of those monsters. You are valuable, funny and a really good friend to me and Kuroo. It’s my choice to stay and I won’t listen to what you say until I get my friend back!”

Kenma turned his head slowly to look at the boy, now weeping beside him. Hinata’s eyes were closed as he tried to keep quiet. Kenma lowered his head again and started to cry with him, without objecting anymore.

After a good 10 minutes of crying in Hinata’s arms, they both had gotten silent. Hinata didn’t dare move his arms but still leaned heavily into Kenma’s side. Breathing deeply for one last time, he sat up and looked at Kenma.

“Kenma, I’m sorry if I yelled at you”, he didn’t know what else to say, since Kenma was still not getting up. He was worried that Kenma had deemed it too aggressive.

“Hinata.. please, let me be alone for a while now..” Kenma wasn’t crying anymore, but sounded exhausted. Hinata felt he needed to respect Kenma’s request and silently stood up and started walking away.

Kenma noticed it and peeked at the leaving figure from behind his own hair.

He felt defeated and angry. He hadn’t gotten what he wanted, which was to be alone and felt so embarrassed that Hinata had seen him act this way. He had always promised himself to be strong, but getting Hinata involved in his mess had made him break down. And more over, Hinata had to clean up his mess once again. He didn’t know how to forgive himself for it.

Though at the moment of feeling Hinata’s arms around him and hearing his voice cracking because he _cared_ for Kenma, already made so many walls come down in Kenma’s heart. It didn’t make him feel better about himself, but maybe a bit better about his future. Maybe he could find a way to get his strength back after all.

✿✿✿✿✿✿

The next day Hinata felt almost dizzy. He really didn’t know what to do with their situation. Even if he had comforted Kenma the afternoon before, Kenma had asked him to leave and could now be furious at Hinata for taking advantage of Kenma at his weakest.

Though, Hinata didn’t see it like that. He wanted to show the hurt boy that there were people who cared about him and who would be ready to hold on to him at his worst moments. He was honored that Kenma had let him stay even for the small while.

As Hinata kept pondering about it, he started to hear whispers coming from the hallway until a low voice called out to him.

He turned his head and saw Kuroo standing in the doorway of their class and gesturing with his hands to follow him. It was a 15 minute-break the last period before lunch and Kuroo had come to see him, it seemed.

At first he became worried that something must have happened, but Kuroo’s face showed no sign of distress as they walked slowly around a corner to the lockers where no one was at the moment. Not that Kuroo’s face often showed much emotion, but Kenma seemed to be the exception for that too.

“Chibi-chan, could you tell me what happened to Kenma when he didn’t even greet me today” he started, “..seeing how he tensed at the mention of our name, makes me think you have something to do with this.” Kuroo glared slightly as he waited for Hinata to answer.

Hinata hesitated for a moment, not knowing if he had the right to talk about Kenma’s life, but decided against it.

“The same bullies confronted Kenma yesterday again. Luckily, I was with him, but I couldn’t really do anything while the tallest one kept harassing Kenma. Kenma suddenly freaked out and I ran after him. He cried for a while about how he’s not worthy of friends and I tried to be there for him, but in the end he pushed me away.” Hinata looked to his shoes, clenching his fists just a little.

“Why did he freak out? He usually tries to stay cool-headed..” Kuroo wasn’t glaring anymore but had crossed his arms and sounded worried.

“I.. think it was because they started picking on me too. I could handle it, of course, but it might have been a new situation for Kenma, so he just denied that we are friends.. and ran..”

Kuroo sighed. He was kind of amused that Hinata couldn’t see through Kenma’s feelings like he could. And then he wasn’t so worried anymore.

“Hinata..” he placed his hand on the first-year’s shoulder as the boy looked up, pouting sadly. “The worst thing you could now do, is to avoid Kenma.. Whatever his feelings are, you two have to talk it out, or you both will regret it later” Kuroo smiled.

“Senpai…” Hinata’s eyes glistened. It made feel Kuroo very proud but also kinda silly. “I will go talk to him! Thanks, Kuroo!” Hinata had already started to run away from him.

“You have class now, Chibi-chan! Go during lunch!” he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, right.” Hinata stopped dead in his tracks and walked calmly to his own class.

✿✿✿✿✿✿

Hinata approached the quiet boy sitting on the same bench, where they had had lunches numerous times already. He was hooked on a game on his phone, but looked up and met Hinata’s eyes, when he felt someone looking at him.

Hinata was now only a few meters away and could see the sadness in Kenma’s eyes as they widened at him. He kind of hoped he could have just stayed there silent, but now he had to see Kenma’s face twist again, like it had the day before.

“Hey, Kenma..” he said quiet and rubbed his arm. Kenma just looked away.

“..I won’t bother you more than I have to, but I want to clear some things up with you..” he almost blushed, feeling embarrassed in front on Kenma.

“I’m sorry for what I did yesterday and if it made you uncomfortable.. but I would do it again anytime. I know what it’s like being bullied and even if didn’t, I would still be ready to protect and help you. I care about you, and you must not be used to it, but it’s what friends do..” Behind his hair, Kenma was biting his lip.

“So that’s how I feel.. So, Kenma.. what did you really think about yesterday and.. what happened?”

“I didn’t feel good when you stayed with me..” Kenma began as Hinata listened intently at every word directed at him. “Yes, I’m not used to it, and it made me feel weak and useless.”

“If it’s what they said to you.. I know it’s hard to ignore them, but I know you and they don’t. It’s only lies to put you down..” Hinata was flailing his arms, if it could help getting the point across in any way.

“I understand that, but.. what made we feel so useless was not protecting you from it. I should have defended you, because it was my problem. Not the other way around.”

“Oh.” Hinata blushed.

“Nothing good ever comes out of being my friend, Hinata. I’m not a good friend and I will only hurt you and others, like I did yesterday.” Kenma continued without looking up, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“That’s not true..” Hinata tried to object, but Kenma ignored it for now.

“That’s why I feel like people always eventually push me away, and if they don’t, I should do it before anything worse happens to you. I.. have a hard time trusting people.”

Hinata didn’t know what to say to it anymore. It was heartbreaking that Kenma thought so about himself, but it helped them both that the words were finally said outload.

“Do you feel like you could trust me?” He asked quietly after a while.

“I don’t know.. but I want to.” Hinata’s heart jumped in his chest. “I would want to try and get better, so that I won’t hurt you again.” His face had returned to his neutral expression.

Hinata’s eyes brightened immediately and a wide smile forced itself to Hinata’s lips.

“Does that mean we can be friends again, Kenma?!”, he jumped in excitement, not noticing the faint blush on Kenma.

“We can _stay_ friends, if that’s what you mean, Shouyou..” his face flamed up at his mistake of calling his friend by his first name, but it only made Hinata jump even higher in front on him.

“Haha, Kenma, you said my name!! I really _am_ your friend!” he stated, not waiting for a confirmation. At some point Kuroo had also joined them and was already pulling his lunch from his bag.

Kenma glared at his best friend, because he knew that the cunning third-year had something to do with the situation, but it soon melted into a relieved smile.

“Hey, Kenma, can we exchange numbers then? I can text you and we can see after school and talk about stuff even in class..” he kept rambling, so Kenma just pulled Hinata’s phone from his hand, typed the number and gave it back to the boy.

Kenma also added a new contact to his phone called ‘Shouyou’ with a sun emoji next to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, look at my boys building trust with each other ^^ I want Kenma to really face his insecurities, be able to open up about them to Hinata and be reassured of Hinata's "motives" before they could really start building a deeper friendship together!
> 
> I have the plot already figured for the whole fic and now just have to write it, yay.. So be expecting about 12 chapters in total!! And we're only getting into the good stuff.. ^^
> 
> Hope you liked it and thanks for leaving kudos and commenting, feedback is also appreciated! <3


	4. I am a little insecure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if Kenma felt like his and Shouyou’s friendship had gone back to normal, he could not for the life of him understand what he was doing in front of Shouyou’s classroom, his own lunch in his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some fluff! Kenma is in for a ride, when he gets to meet some of Shouyou's friends ;))
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!! <3

Even if Kenma felt like his and Shouyou’s friendship had gone back to normal, he could not for the life of him understand what he was doing in front of Shouyou’s classroom, his own lunch in his hands.

Kenma was perfectly content with meeting Shouyou at lunch times alone, so he wasn’t feeling exactly over the moon when Shouyou had invited him to eat lunch in his classroom with HIS friends. The thought had already made him feel anxious the night before and lose a lot of sleep.

Meeting new people didn’t come naturally to Kenma, if anything he avoided it whenever he could. Not just because he found himself unsociable and awkward, but the rumors spread around school made meeting new people even scarier. Almost everyone already had a prejudice about him or his personality, it seemed to him. He hoped that Shouyou wouldn’t have asked him to do something like this, but since he had sounded so excited about it, Kenma thought that he could give it a try-- once and then never again.

He tried to glance into the classroom, but the looks of other first years around him kept him from entering. When he finally took, like, two steps into the classroom an orange-haired ball of sunshine at the back of the room was already waving at him.

“Kenma, come sit here!” Shouyou motioned towards a seat next to him and it felt nice that he had reserved a seat, since apparently all his friends had agreed with the arrangement.

“S-Sorry for intruding..” he said in any case, as he sat at the chair, not lifting his gaze to look at anyone. Even though he was taller than Shouyou and they were all sitting, the three other people at the table seemed like giants to him.

“Nice that you could come, Kozume-san! I’m Yamaguchi”, a green-haired boy to his left greeted him with a genuine smile.

“There’s really no problem, Kenma! These two are too tense to introduce themselves, so that’s Tsukishima and that’s Kageyama.” Shouyou pointed at the scariest looking ones, one next to Yamaguchi and the other opposite to Shouyou. “We’re all from the volleyball club, so that’s how we know each other!” Tsukishima greeted Kenma with a bored ‘hey’ and Kageyama nodded at him. It was just as awkward as he had feared.

“Kozume-san, are you in any of the clubs? You’re a second year, right, so you must know the school better than us.” Yamaguchi had soon ended the awkward silence that had totally gone unnoticed by Shouyou.

“I played volleyball in middle school, but I stopped long ago-” “KENMA, you didn’t tell me you have played volleyball!” Shouyou interrupted him with eyes big as plates staring at Kenma.

“It’s not that important anymore, though, since it’s been so long.. I’m not in any club right now..” he began to eat his own lunch.

“What position..” came a silent question from the other side of the table.

“Ahh.. I was the setter..”

Kenma swore he saw fire in Kageyama’s eyes for a second. “Kageyama’s a setter too, but don’t mind him! That look means he’s intrigued.” Shouyou teased his best friend.

“It’s just interesting to hear is all..” Kageyama answered embarrassed.

“I’m glad you don’t have to compete against Kageyama, though, Kozume-san!”, Yamaguchi admitted and laughed. Yamaguchi indeed seemed the most friendly and sociable out of the three new people. It was an accomplishment and a big relief to Kenma that at least no one was being explicitly judgemental or aggressive towards him.

“Most of us are on the starting lineup. Though Hinata usually takes all the glory on the court, haha. Even Tsukki here gets really pumped up when playing, even if he doesn’t look like it now.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi..”

“Sorry, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi’s blond friend seemed to blush, while Yamaguchi smiled sweetly. If Kenma was good at reading people, than these two seemed like...

“HEY, EVERYONE!” Kenma almost jumped at the loud voice and the even taller, silver-haired boy.

“Hey, Lev! This is Kozume Kenma! Lev is also in our team, but he started just a few weeks ago.”

“OH, Kenma was it?? Nice to meet you! I’ve seen you in school, your hair’s so fun that I remember it!” the boy named Lev sat at the last vacant seat across from Kenma and leaned too eagerly over the table. Kenma wrinkled his nose.

“Well, I think so too! I think it fits Kenma very well,” Shouyou insisted, staring narrowly at Lev, which Lev answered with more of his observations about Kenma’s hair.

Kenma didn’t understand how the "argument" to compliment Kenma's hair had started but he definitely wanted it to end. If they would stop talking about him right now, Kenma could maybe forgive this Lev-guy for using his first name.

The lunch went by faster than Kenma thought, but he was relieved as he walked back to his own class, though not completely rejecting the idea of eating lunch with them again. He got to spend even more time with Shouyou, and now he didn’t even have to be the only one maintaining conversation. He didn’t even mind answering Yamaguchi’s questions or even Lev's when he just calmed down a little. He actually appreciated the silence from Kageyama and Tsukishima, because Shouyou and Lev already made the volume of the conversation way too high. He felt like they had a silent agreement to not bother each other with trivial questions and rather agreed to listen to their other friends in silence.

It actually made Kenma amused and after a long time he was again interested in meeting these new people.

✿✿✿✿✿✿

If that wasn’t enough of interaction for many weeks to come, Shouyou decided to arrange a get-together at his house on the same Friday. Kenma seemed to be the guest of honor, since he ‘absolutely could not say no’, as Shouyou put it. So, Kenma was given an address and a much too casual Shouyou greeted him at the door with black shorts and an oversized red hoodie. The same red he had worn for three years in the volleyball team of Nekoma Middle school, before transferring to Karasuno like Kuroo. He had never seen Shouyou outside of their uniforms and the familiar red color made Shouyou look cozy.

As he stepped in and took away his jacket, revealing his dark jeans and a dark green button-up open over a grey t-shirt, Hinata seemed to realize the same thing, since he kept his eyes on Kenma for a bit too long for Kenma’s comfort.

They walked up a set of stairs into Shouyou’s room, where the same four boys from Shouyou's class were sitting on the floor there. Music was playing in the background and a board game stood abandoned in the center. He later heard that Shouyou and Kageyama should apparently never be paired for a board game. Shouyou’s parents and sister were away for the evening, returning before the night.

Shouyou took his place on the floor and made room for Kenma to sit between him and Tsukishima. The others greeted him just like they had the other day: Yamaguchi was friendly, Lev was loud and the other two barely noticeable.

Everyone continued on with their conversations, Kenma joining Shouyou and Lev. The conversations flowed naturally when Kenma was with Shouyou. He even had arguments with Lev about which were better, cats or dogs. Every time they would again disagree on something, Shouyou giggled next to him. Kenma had to admit he had fun too.

When in turn Kageyama and Shouyou started a heated argument, Yamaguchi motioned Kenma to sit with him and Tsukishima for a while. Kenma didn’t even have enough time to feel uncomfortable, since Yamaguchi seemed to be able to lead any conversation forward. He asked Kenma about his games and wanted to hear some suggestions for him and Tsukishima. Apparently they liked to play horror games together and the image sounded nice to Kenma. Yamaguchi revealed his and Tsukishima’s interests and Kenma responded that he too was interested in astrology and all the times he had killed a plant for not watering it for several weeks. The talkative boy seemed to find it hilarious. When Kenma mentioned to play guitar at home as a hobby, even the music-enthusiast Tsukishima joined the conversation, asking what kind of music he liked and telling his own preferences.

Kenma didn’t even notice Shouyou fetching more soda for the group and Lev trying to eavesdrop on their conversation from beside Kenma.

When Shouyou came back, he frowned at the tallest player on his team taking his place beside Kenma. Shouyou first tried to clear his throat to make Lev move, but when it got ignored he had to voice his irritation.

“Lev, can you move?”

“What?”

“That was my place.”

“There’s other places too..”

“Well, yeah.. But I was still talking to Kenma.”

“You were arguing with Kageyama..” Tsukishima joined and grinned. Everyone else seemed to find the situation amusing except for Kenma and Lev, who stared at Shouyou.

Luckily to Shouyou, Lev decided to move away, but still wanting to talk to Kenma, he just had to do it over the orange-head then.

Shouyou slumped dramatically next to Kenma, their sides now almost touching, as if Shouyou wanted to make sure no one came between them again.

After a few hours everyone started to leave until it was just Shouyou, Kenma and Lev. Lev seemed to never get tired, Kenma thought, but he was fine eith spending time with Lev. He was so predictable and open that Kenma found it easy to speak with him, knowing that Lev probably couldn't even hide if secretly hated Kenma.

As Lev was finally making his move to leave, he asked if they could hang out together the next week. Kenma was starting to panic until Shouyou rushed in to help him in the clearly uncomfortable situation.

“Lev, you shouldn’t corner Kenma like that! I think I told you to not be too intrusive..” Shouyou stated frustrated. Kenma decided to ignore the part where Shouyou had apparently given them instructions about how to behave around Kenma. It made him feel a bit awkward but blush a little.

“No, it’s fine, Shouyou.. Umm.. if we come up with something to do, I think it’s fine..” Kenma turned to Lev. He was surprised that he complied to the idea. All this socializing must've had made his introverted heart melt just a bit.

“Oh, NICE!”

“But.. would it be fine if Shouyou comes too? We could do something together?” Kenma fiddled with his fingers. He hoped the suggestion wouldn't offend Lev, but Shouyou’s presence had already calmed him in stressful situations multiple times, and it could be just what he needed. Besides, the two would get a nice, talkative conversation partner out the other.

“Yes, sure! That sounds really fun, I haven’t dpend so much time with Shouyou yet!”

“Really, Kenma?? I’d love to hang out then!” Shouyou brightened immensely.

After everything was settled and they had exchanged their numbers with Lev (put under the name 'The Tree' on his phone), Lev asked if Kenma wanted to walk back together. It was already 10.30 pm and Kenma imagined the moment when he finally could go to sleep.

“Umm.. I was wondering if Kenma wanted to stay over the night? Since it’s so late already and Kenma lives even further than you, Lev..” Shouyou seemed more nervous than Kenma had really ever seen him. He didn’t think Shouyou was even capable of not being care-free.

“A-Are you really sure? I don’t mind going home and I don’t even have anything with me..” Kenma thought he felt heat on his cheeks. He wasn't really comfortable with the idea, prefering to have some time alone and only ever slept over at Kuroo's years ago. Anxiety crept in too for not really knowing what would be normal at sleepovers, feeling like he could embarrass himself.

“Of course you can stay! I can borrow you anything you need, and it would be so fun!” Shouyou tried to sound reassuring but really was just whiny, which Kenma found quite funny.

He thought about the suggestion and noticed that Shouyou's enthusiasm made him consider the offer and ease his anxiety. He knew spending time with Shouyou would always be fun and make him relax, even in a new situation.

It even made Kenma happy that Shouyou thought them close enough to sleep over at each other’s houses. Somehow Shouyou always pushed his limits in a good way and made him step out of his comfort zone. To Kenma it was very scary but very helpful and satisfying, when he noticed that Shouyou made even the big leaps seem to easy and natural.

Not wanting to be rude and turn Shouyou down, he thought that it was time to take the next step to overcome his fears.

“Okey, I think it’s fine.. I just have to call my mom about it, and you have to ask yours too..” Kenma started to dig up his phone.

✿✿

As Lev was finally sent on his way, and both parents had been asked permission and agreed, the two boys started getting ready for bed.

“Hey, Kenma! Umm.. do you want to sleep on the futon or.. on my bed?” Shouyou seemed to brighten at the latter option. “I mean the futon’s a bit old, and I don’t mind sharing my bed since I usually sleep like a log anyway,” he grinned.

Kenma blushed at the thought of being so close to Shouyou, almost breathing the same air. He just admitted to himself that he liked being challenged by Shouyou, but something about this request felt different to him. He didn't mind being at a close proximity with Shouyou for small amounts of time but for 8-10 hours straight, even if asleep, seemed like too much to him. He couldn’t really name the feeling as his stomach twisted at the thought.

“The futon is fine for me..” Kenma stated shyly.

“Oh.. really, there’s a lot of room on my bed and I don’t mind..”

“No no, I sometimes roll in my sleep and stuff so sleeping on the futon is best for me.” Kenma hoped he wouldn’t have to convince Shouyou much longer, but luckily Shouyou consented without the smile he had started the conversation with.

They showered after each other and Shouyou handed Kenma pair of shorts and a pajama t-shirt to sleep in as he went to brush his teeth.

When he came back however, he didn’t know if to laugh or hug the embarrassed boy out of pure tenderness. To be honest, Kenma looked cute in his old grey shorts and a white t-shirt that had a black cat in it and read Pawjamas. It was lucky that it fit quite well, since Kenma was taller. At first Kenma felt embarrassed in the pyjamas, but the thought that it was indeed _Shouyou_ 's pyjamas made him smile.

He quickly tied his hair back into a small bun and pinned the shortest hairs on his bangs up, like he usually did at night. He liked being able to hide behind then in public, but at home (so when he was playing video games) he couldn’t let anything distract him.

Shouyou observed the action carefully and grinned as Kenma turned to him confused, hair now in a style Shouyou hadn’t seen before.

Without thinking Shouyou strode in front of Kenma and patted his head. Twice. He did it without even rhinking and now Kenma just looked at him even more confused and flustered.

Before making it too awkward, Shouyou pulled his hand quickly back.

“I’ve never seen your hair like this, it looks really nice!” Shouyou tried to frame it as an after-thought and started putting down Kenma’s futon.

Kenma didn’t reply but began to help Shouyou, after unnoticeably ghosting his fingers over his hair.

“Hey, you wanna do something tomorrow? We can first have breakfast here and then maybe go take a walk or something!”

“I have homework in the afternoon so maybe something like that but not for too long. We are already going to see each other next week”. He and Shouyou had decided to hang out on Wednesday already before the get-together and were seeing Lev on Thursday.

“Yeah, but I like spending time with you..”

Kenma thought it was endearing.

As they had talked over other important stuff, like how Kenma liked his breakfast and what their favorite sleeping position was, they were finally tucked under their covers, Shouyou in his bed and Kenma just next to Shouyou’s bed on a futon. The light were turned off and Shouyou lighted the small night lamp, since he didn’t like the dark.

Kenma was already feeling sleepy and pretty much exhausted after the social interactions of the night, but he soon found out that Shouyou was not the type to fall asleep so easily. He was kicking and turning and shuffling in his bed, sometimes under the covers and sometimes not.

“Kenma, are you already asleep?”, Kenma heard a small voice after a few minutes of silence. He was a light sleeper so there was no way he would fall asleep before Shouyou settled down.

“No, Shouyou.. is everything alright there?” Kenma tried to tease but it just came out concerned as he turned to Shouyou’s bed and saw that other was staring back at him.

“Yeah.. but there’s something I want to ask.. “ Kenma waited for him to continue.

“I’m a restless sleeper, so I usually need something to help me calm down before sleeping. When I was little my mum always sang to me and held my hand so that I’d fall asleep.”

“You want me to sing to you?” Kenma giggled.

“Noo~! The other thing actually..” Shouyou tried to hide away under his blanket to escape the embarrassment. He wasn’t sure if holding Kenma’s hand would have the exact opposite effect of calming him down, but he was too excited about Kenma staying over and spending the Saturday with him, so he could always try it. Though the main reason probably was that it'd probably feel really nice to hold Kenma’s hand as they both slept.

Kenma, on the other hand, was secretly anxious about the physical contact, worrying if it would be too weird. Soon he realized that he still liked making Shouyou happy by agreeing with the things he asked from Kenma. It could also be a bit out of guilt for not being a good friend otherwise, but then again, Kenma really wanted to try and give Shouyou as much as he gave Kenma. In the end the thought didn’t seem so bad.

“Okey..” Kenma exclaimed as he reached for Shouyou’s hand that was already dangling of his bed.

Kenma’s hand was almost ice cold, whereas Shouyou’s was scorching. Shouyou tried to squeeze Kenma’s hand to warm it up too.

“So does my icicle hand help you fall sleep? I’m not even surprised that your hand feels literally like the sun..”, Kenma seemed to be comfortable enough to joke, while Shouyou was still a bit taken back by the contact.

“Yeah, this is fine. We balance each other!” Shouyou grinned. Kenma thought it was very much true and not just considering their body temperatures.

“Goodnight, Shouyou.”

“Goodnight, Kenma!”

After just 3 minutes, Kenma could hear a slight snore. Shouyou’s hand was still in his, as it was when Kenma fell asleep a few moments later thinking about the warmth that was spreading to his whole body through Shouyou's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I really want Kenma to get to know Shouyou's friends too, so that he can start accepting himself more and be comroftable around new people, not just Shouyou. Of course, Yamaguchi can be friends with anyone and Lev definitely is all over Kenma, and I really like these dynamics so far. Then again, Shouyou also wants to keep Kenma close to him ^^ That's why I reaaally wanted some fluff in this part, and Kenma to realize how comfortable being with Shouyou is, even if new people are still scary for him.
> 
> I'd like to add that I'm writing this fic based on some of my own feelings about social anxiety and feeling lonely and unaccepted. I hope it's not too hard to understand Kenma's feelings or motives, or identify with them, even if it's inspired by only my own experiences. I try to always explain why Kenma is feeling the way he is, so that his feelings don't feel irrational or frustrating to anyone :)) 
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos, I hope you enjoy keeping up with it! I really appreciate comments, feedback and criticism too <33 See you soon!


	5. I bite my nails and tell the truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The closer they got every day, the more they discovered about each other.  
> That’s why Kenma already knew Shouyou would be worried when Kenma hadn’t answered his messages for 2 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!  
> Implied physical violence and slight homophobia in this one!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter! <3

The next morning Kenma woke up to someone pinching his nose closed, until he remembered that he had slept at Shouyou's. He growled slowly and opened his eyes to find the same boy crouched to his level and giggling. It was a nice sight first thing in the morning.

They went to eat breakfast just how Kenma liked it (apparently Shouyou had already informed his mother of it) and sat at the table with the two other Hinata’s. The smallest one kept staring at him shyly while the oldest one politely asked questions about school and Kenma’s hobbies. Kenma was a bit embarrassed to admit that he liked playing and collecting games, but all of the Hinata’s thought it sounded interesting or ‘awesome’.

Kenma was surprised to hear that Shouyou rarely had any friends sleep over, when Kenma could have assumed that Shouyou probably had a friend for every day of the week. Shouyou’s mom implied that it made Kenma special, at which Shouyou blushed but explained that Kenma was easy to be around. When they exited the kitchen and went to get Kenma’s stuff, the youngest Hinata, which Kenma could only see as an even more adorable mini-version of Shouyou, decided that he wanted to show Kenma all the games she owned. Most of them were targeted at young girls and didn’t really interest him, but they talked about her pokemon game for a good 10 minutes. Kenma felt he could come back another time too.

Shouyou had already planned the sleepover way before Kenma had even first visited his house. He was so glad that Kenma had agreed in the end. He knew that asking Kenma out of the blue would put enough pressure to agree, since Kenma usually seemed shy about doing stuff together. Everything else was not planned, like holding Kenma’s hand, giving him the adroable pyjamas that fit Kenma so well, helping his mom make Kenma’s favorite breakfast or getting Kenma and Natsu to bond. They were just great additions to an already great day.

Shouyou noticed it every day more clearly how much he liked spending time with Kenma. When they first met, Shouyou wanted to befriend the boy of course, but now they were on their way becoming closer every day, which was in the same time surprising and not. Though Shouyou wasn’t exactly sure, where they were heading to. It didn’t feel like they were becoming best friends, but maybe something.. a bit different.

Kenma truly was very easy to be around, he calmed Shouyou and made him feel invincible. He wasn’t good with describing his feelings, but Kenma was just like _bwaah_ or _wooh_. He wanted to be honest in what he said to Kenma and that’s why he didn’t like holding back when saying things like ‘you look good’ or ‘I like spending time with you’. But more and more often those words were accompanied with a blush which Shouyou couldn’t control and with even more words that seemed too much to be said yet.

However, Shouyou was still concerned about him. Kenma wasn’t very open about his life or feelings, which sometimes made Shoyuou feel like he was trying too hard. He still had his own mess from middle school which had left him with mental scars he wasn’t ready to show either. Sometimes he wondered if he and Kenma were broken pieces that were trying to fix themselves through the other, only to notice that in the end they wouldn’t fit. But Shouyou never thought of that when he was with Kenma, only when he walked home alone, or maybe from here on every night when there wasn’t a cold hand in his. 

Nevertheless, they spend a nice Saturday together. Since it was still quite warm for September, Shouyou insisted they got ice creams and went to a park to hang out. Kenma’s ‘hanging out’ was just playing his DS, occasionally letting Shouyou try, until he got frustrated and returned the console to Kenma. They knew they’d probably see each other next on Monday at school, but Shouyou was already texting him before Kenma had even arrived home.

✿✿✿✿✿

The closer they got every day, the more they discovered about each other. Kenma turned out to be quite talkative when given the chance and he noticed that Shouyou was actually really intelligent and sensitive.

That’s why Kenma already knew Shouyou would be worried when Kenma hadn’t answered his messages for 2 hours.

It was Wednesday and they were supposed to meet at 6 p.m to go tossing (Kenma had finally agreed), but even at five Shouyou had heard nothing from him. He must have not forgotten since they had talked about it the day before.

This was unusual of Kenma who spent all his free time on his phone or within reach of it, and it made Shouyou worry. He had tried to ignore the scenarios popping up in his head without much success. Even if Kenma would have changed his mind, he knew that Kenma was polite enough to tell him and not just ignore him.

Finally, Shouyou’s questions were answered as his phone lit up from a notification.

_I’m sorry, Shouyou, I can’t meet you today.._

Shouyou frowned, but he trusted Kenma to not cancel without a good reason. He hoped that he hadn’t pushed Kenma too much to play volleyball with him, when Kenma still seemed insecure about it.

_Kenma, hey! Oh, but that’s fine.. Is something wrong?_

_It’s nothing, I just don’t feel like it right now.._

_Yeah, I understand! But I want to make sure so you’re safe, right? Is there something I can do?_

_No, Shouyou.._

He wasn’t sure which question Kenma had answered, so he decided to call him. Hearing his voice could reassure Shouyou that everything was alright or reveal if Kenma was in distress.

Kenma saw his phone ring and was immediately hit with a wave of anxiety. There were still tear tracks on his face and he didn’t know how his voice would hold up. It didn’t help that they had never spoken on the phone before which was Kenma’s least favorite way of communicating. He picked up anyway, not wanting to ignore his friend and hoping that hearing Shouyou’s voice could make him feel better.

He put down the ice pack from his eye and answered with a ‘hello’ which stuck to his throat more than he had wanted to.

“ _Kenma_!” the boy’s voice sounded even smoother and brighter on the phone. “ _I’m so happy you picked up. How was your day? I thought we could chat since I didn’t see you at school today..”_

“The day was normal..”

“ _Yeah? Did you see Kuroo today_?” Kenma sounded quite normal to Shouyou, if not a bit more exhausted than usual.

“No..” So Kenma wasn’t very eager to talk right now, Shouyou concluded.

“ _Okay.. and you’re home? You got home safely_?” Shouyou knew what he was implying but trusted Kenma to forgive him prying.

“I’m home.. but I did see Koyama and the others today again..”

“ _WHAT? Are you okay, Kenma_?” This was what Shouyou had been afraid of the most. He knew he couldn’t be Kenma’s bodyguard 24/7 but knowing that Kenma had to face the bullies alone again, made him see red. But after what had happened, his priority was now to make sure Kenma was safe.

“I-I’m fine..” Kenma had shuddered at Shouyou’s sudden outburst. “Don’t worry, Shouyou, it helps to know that you’re worried, but I’m fine.”

“ _Kenma.. are you hurt, though_?”

“Not at all.. I’m still in a bit of a shock is all.” He lied. Though, he knew that physical injuries were hard to cover in the long run, he didn’t want Shouyou to worry for now. He also truly was still more shook up by the words and not the actions that the boys used against him.

Shouyou was relieved to hear that.

“ _It’s okay.. You’re allowed to be upset.”_ Shouyou reminded, knowing that Kenma was holding something back.

After a short silence, Kenma felt something in his heart give in. “I’m so tired of this.. I just want to live my life. I never do anything bad to anyone…” Kenma felt the tears starting to fall down again, falling to his bruised knees. The only way Shouyou could tell that he was crying was from the sniffling.

“I just want to be myself..” Kenma whispered.

“ _You don’t deserve this, Kenma.. You’re the most genuine person I’ve met and I wouldn’t want you to ever change! I like you just as you are and I’ll help you through this, I promise_.” Shouyou wanted to say anything to make Kenma stop crying. Not that it wasn’t true, quite the opposite, Shouyou was sharing more of his true thoughts than he usually dared to.

Kenma smiled to himself. He knew Shouyou could support him, but he still wasn’t courageous enough to reveal the secrets he kept closest to his heart.

Once again the boys had mocked him and made fun of his sexuality, for being gay, like many times before. It made him feel so small and helpless. To have a part of who you are made a weapon to use against you and make you feel unnatural, was why Kenma had promised himself never to tell anyone but Kuroo about it. Koyama didn’t know that Kenma was actually gay but kept insulting him about it anyway and it hurt just as much, if not more.

“Thanks..” He had now stopped sniffling at least.

“ _Hey, Kenma!”_ Shouyou tried to change the subject and brought the enthusiasm back into his voice to distract Kenma form the previous talk. _“Do you want to know what Lev and I came up with for tomorrow?”_

Kenma didn’t answer, but the subject had piqued his interest so Shouyou continued.

“ _I think we could go visit the new arcade at the city center! Have you visited it already?”_

Kenma thought of the time Kuroo and Yamamoto had dragged him to the arcade just 2 days after its opening during the summer holidays. He preferred playing alone, but the day had turned out to be quite fun.

“Yeah, once, but I can go again.” Kenma spoke as short as he could.

“ _Nice!!! And almost next to it there is a cat café that I swear you haven’t seen yet! I walked past it just last week. We could meet straight after school and take the subway there_!” Kenma realized that he wouldn’t have to walk alone from school, and it made him feel a bit safer.

“Sounds fun.”

✿✿✿✿✿

Shouyou rushed to their meeting place at lunch the next day to see Kenma. Luckily, it seemed Kuroo was already there fussing over him. _Had Kenma told Kuroo what happened?_

It wasn’t very hard to guess that Kenma had been bullied again, when Shouyou noticed the faint lilac and yellow bruise that was contrasting Kenma’s golden eyes, just around his left one. It was the most visible injury Shouyou had ever seen on Kenma.

“Kenma.. are you okay? Your eye..” He stopped in front of his beat up friend, once again feeling his heart rise to his throat.

“Don’t even start. I’ve heard everything from Kuroo already..”

Kuroo turned to Shouyou, looking visibly upset.

“But this has got to be dealt with, Kenma. I’ve said this to you for a long time. I’m beginning to get tired of this..”, Kuroo tried to convince him, like had many times before. Kuroo kept back only because Kenma always reassured him that he would try to avoid the boys group, even though it wasn’t a solution at all.

“There’s nothing to do. I just have to be more careful myself. ‘You know you have to be careful not to irritate us’, they always say to me..” Kenma knew it sounded irrational, but somehow, he hoped that just obeying them could end it. That it would be so easy.

“That’s totally wrong, Kenma..” Shouyou was holding tight to his shirt, knowing that if he heard more, he might start crying.

“But what could I do, honestly, Shouyou?! It won’t stop just by asking them. I already changed schools after middle school, even though I live a bit further from Karasuno now. Nothing has changed.” Both of them could see that Kenma was frustrated, too.

Shouyou just sighed and patted Kenma’s head once. He understood that Kenma was upset deep down but wanted to convince them and himself that it wasn’t such a big deal. Kenma was still frowning, now with a blush. Shouyou plopped down onto the bench next to them.

“I was also bullied in middle-school..” Shouyou could feel the two pairs of eyes on him. He had implied many times that he knew how Kenma felt but had never said anything out loud. Now was the very last moment to do so, he thought.

“I was the only one on the boys’ volleyball team, and I was never ashamed of it, but apparently others thought it was weird. They said I had no friends and that mocked me for playing with the girls. I was never really bothered by it, and it ended when a couple of my friends and I finally had a team together, even if they were already in different clubs too.”

“But even if I wasn’t giving them attention that much, it hurt.. but you know what? When I finally had my teams and my friends, it helped to get over it and I never thought about it when I was with them. I could be happy, even if I was still hurting.”

Kenma was gnawing on his bottom lip.

“So, Kenma, let me help. We maybe can’t stop it for you, but we can try together, or we can always support you through it.”

The silence stretched for a while and Shouyou became embarrassed for the cheesy speech he just held.

“Those guys.. they were in the volleyball team too.” Kenma ended the silence, while Shouyou immediately started thinking of different scenarios. _Were they on the team just until I joined? Were they kicked off the team?_

Kenma lowers his head and grabs Kuroo’s sleeve. He’s too tired to speak about it, so he’s lucky his older best friend can interpret Kenma’s actions so well.

“I had been on the team for a year, when Kenma, Koyama and the other two, Takahashi and Endoo joined at the start of their first year.” Now Shouyou had the names to the other two faces, too. It could be useful, he thought.

“Kenma was immediately picked as the starting setter because of his skills. None of the three got to the starting line-up which apparently made them jealous. Kenma was shy and always friendly, but still new, whereas the three had went to Karasuno already in middle-school, so they must have thought Kenma as an easy target.” All this time Kuroo had been looking at Kenma and starting to clench his fists.

“Kenma was already very iffy about continuing volleyball and had a lot of anxiety, so he ended up quitting anyways after a few weeks. Koyama and his gang were not happy about it but said that Kenma was running away. I think that day was the first when they approached you, right?”

Kenma nods. “They took all my stuff and threw them on the ground and broke my earphones.” He adds. Shouyou bites the inside of his cheek.

“Those cowards quit volleyball after a month, too. They had been playing for a year only anyway. But because Kenma was in the same class, they kept on it. It has been more than a year already. I quit after a while, too, frustrated that I had spoken to the coach of the time, but he ignored the situation. Then I got more and more into my studies, so I didn’t really have time for volleyball anyway.”

“Kenma.. Was it because of them that you quit volleyball? I never knew that something like this had happened!” Shouyou was panicking as he thought of all the times he had gotten carried away talking about volleyball to Kenma.

“No, there were other reasons, too. Volleyball just wasn’t for me anymore. I don’t mind you playing it or talking about it at all. It’s much more interesting than Kuroo talking about biology which I have no clue about..”

Kuroo laughed and threw his arm around Kenma’s shoulders. Apparently Kenma’s answer had eased Kuroo too. Shouyou thought if Kenma had ever even shared these thought to Kuroo.

“But Kenma, they are not in the team anymore, you even know many of the players on the team.. if you wanted, you could easily come back.” Shouyou didn’t have an distinct expression on his face, but his eyes had a gleam.

“But isn’t that a good idea, Chibi-chan!” Kuroo and Shouyou high-fived for some reason. Kenma looked at them like they had grown second heads.

“I’m not interested in starting again, I’d had nothing to do with Koyama in the first place..” Kenma pouts.

“But.. I’m on the team.” Shouyou smiled. “Then we could play together. You could toss to me and I know it would be so much fun!”

“I’m sorry, Shouyou, but that doesn’t change my mind either..” It didn’t, but it did make Kenma consider the idea a bit more seriously. “Besides you already have a setter and Kageyama always tosses to you..”

“He’s not always on the court! It would be good to give him some competition anyway, he’s starting to act like a ‘king’ again.” Kenma didn’t question the weird phrasing.

“Oh, but maybe we could play in our free-time, though? Kuroo would probably want to join too!” Shouyou tried to use Kuroo to lure Kenma into playing with him. The two old friends had been playing together for years and it could awake something in Kenma. Luckily, Kuroo understood too.

“Yeah, we could invite some of our old teammates, too! You like Yamamoto, don’t you, Kenma? Chibi-chan could ask his teammates too, we’d have a good number of players already!”

“Yeah, Kuroo, just give me your number and we can start planning.” Shouyou knew he’d need Kuroo’s number later too, if they wanted to talk more about Kenma’s situation, so this was a good chance to get it.

Kenma was so confused how the talk had ended up with Shouyou almost , even if he had refused. Kenma just groaned in between the two idiots he called his best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a bit iffy about this chapter because it kinda just gives you some background information and doesn't really take the story forward but oh well. Back to some character development in the next chapter then!
> 
> I'm also hoping that you're enjoying the fic, it's mostly just conversation and inner-monologues but I really like going really deep into the characters and study them. Here I just wanted to write more about Kenma's past and let Shouyou and Kenma begin trust each other more. Shouyou also felt that he could be vulnerable around Kenma too, when it has so far just been about how to get Kenma to open up.
> 
> Well, I hope you like my rambling about these characters still and continue reading :)) Next time I can finally give you some other characters too!! Looking forward to it!
> 
> I really appreciate the kudos and hope for more comments and feedback!! <3


	6. Lately, everything's makin' sense, too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma does the two thing he never thought he would again- hang out with friends and play volleyball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I publish this so much later than I wanted to, but now I finally had the motivation to edit! I've been working, which has taken all my time, energy and motivation, but I'm progressing slowly!!! <3
> 
> Just some happy times in this chapter! Hope you enjoy ^^

As they had planned, Kenma met Shouyou and Lev right after school for their hangout together. They had secured their plans to first head to the new arcade and afterwards to a cat café, both of which made Kenma feel excited for the afternoon.

He had visited the arcade once before but was once again unpleasantly surprised how loud and crowded the place was. He still loved arcades but usually opted to visit them at a more quiet time and preferably alone so that he can play as long as he wanted. However, he felt the company he had today was making him feel excited about playing against or even _with_ them.

He relaxed immediately when he got a controller of one of the games in his hands. Most of the games were familiar to Kenma already, so he had no problem getting high scores. He was actually disappointed when he didn’t at least get his name on the score board.

Lev and Shouyou’s task was to follow Kenma and cheer him. Normally Kenma would find it annoying but hearing it from Shouyou was encouraging, like he had something to show off. But Kenma _never_ felt like he had to or wanted to show off.. _huh.._

He agreed to challenge Shouyou and Lev at the games he hadn’t played so often. Safe to say, they didn’t stand a chance.

Kenma also agreed that the loser (in this case, _losers_ ) would have to do something for the winner. He felt a bit awkward when he had to come up with something he could make the two losers do.

“Ahh.. I don’t know.. Just.. Lev give me a high-five..” Kenma felt embarrassed, but Lev seemed to interpret it as a sign of great friendship as he enthusiastically slapped his hand into Kenma’s palm, high-fiving the winner.

“And Shouyou can.. give me a hug.” He went to wrap his hands around his friend as soon as he had said it, and Shouyou almost squealed. He quickly hugged the boy in the big hoodie back. _When was Shouyou going to get a chance like this next?_

“That’s unfair, Kenma! I want a hug too!” Lev whined.

“Hugs are only for Shouyou.” Kenma stated matter of factly.

This time Shouyou really squealed.

✿✿✿✿✿

After a few hours of many victories for Kenma and many losses for Shouyou and Lev, they entered the cat-café close to the arcade. Right away, Kenma’s eyes lit up differently than when he had been playing the games.

When Lev and Shouyou went to order them drinks, Kenma was already crouched on the ground in one of the corners of the café, petting a black cat with two others circling around him. Shouyou glanced at him and briefly wished he could be a cat.

As they got their drinks (cappuccino for Kenma, a strawberry smoothie for Shouyou and a coke for Lev) the loud conversation started again and Kenma knew it wouldn’t end in a while.

Shouyou and Lev switched from topic to topic before Kenma could even think of what to say. It was fine, though, listening to them two made him feel cosy and familiar. Besides, Kenma was holding several kittens in his lap during the time and wouldn’t want to disturb them in any way.

He was surprised when Lev had somehow brought up dating. It was usually a normal topic for boys and girls their age, but Kenma never liked talking about such things, the topic being too personal and making him uncomfortable..

“…yeah, and then she just gave me her number and I had to tell her, that I was actually one of the players and not the coach. She thought I was, like, 18 years or older. Not that I wouldn’t mind dating girls older than me..” he kept babbling about the weird occurrences that could only ever happen to Lev.

“Have you guys ever been confessed to?” He asked after finishing his story that Kenma wasn’t even listening to that intently.

Ah, anxiety. _It had come to hold Kenma in its sweet arms again._

“Kenma, you’re so cool, you must have some fans, right?” Lev continued.

“No, never confessed and never been confessed to.” He shut Lev down quickly and painfully. He really wasn’t ready to talk about the subject and wasn’t lying either. Not like anyone was ever interested in an antisocial, bullied kid, who never showed interest in anyone, desperately trying to stay in the closet about his sexuality.

“Okay, nothing to be ashamed of! What about you, Hinata-kun?” Lev recovered, not even noticing Kenma’s mean intent.

“Umm.. I guess one girl confessed to me a few years ago, but it didn’t become anything. I haven’t confessed to anyone ever, I don’t even know how.” Shouyou seemed to be embarrassed too, but for different reasons. He felt embarrassed of his lack of experience, especially in Kenma’s presence where he always hoped to look cool.

“Well, when you meet someone, I guess it comes naturally.” Kenma regretted the words even before they left his mouth. What had made him say something like that? Not like he had any experience himself.. Had he wanted to make Shouyou feel better about himself?

“R-Really?” “Then, Kenma-kun, you have someone you like?” The two question were thrown at him at the same time.

“N-no.. I’m not interested in dating.” He turned his head.

“But, like.. have you noticed something like that happen to you?” Shouyou stared at him, able to make his eyes even bigger than usual.

“I don’t think so? I just guessed.”

“Oh..” Shouyou stopped staring and looked at his own fingers instead, a firm blush increasing on his cheeks. “..But I guess it’s something like that too.”

Kenma didn’t know why but seeing Shouyou blushing, thinking about how he’d have feelings for someone made him even more reluctant to continue the discussion. Instead he went to get another cat to dump all his feelings into.

“Wait a second..” Lev stared at Kenma as he got up and also saw how Shouyou’s eyes followed him. Lev kept glancing between the two of them for a while, rubbing his chin and squinting his eyes.

“I think I need to go to the bathroom.” The train of thought was lost.

✿✿✿✿✿

After Lev went on his own way after an hour at the café, Shouyou magically pulled out a volleyball from his bag. Kenma didn’t even know why he was surprised.

They were supposed to go tossing the day before, but the plan got cancelled for certain reasons, so this seemed to be as good a time as any to bring up the suggestion again.

“I just thought if we want to have our play with Kuroo and the others in two days, you could need some reminding how to play!” Shouyou explained. If Kenma hadn’t been in a good mood after their afternoon together, he wouldn’t have agreed, but this time—he did.

“It’s not like I could completely forget how to play, Shouyou” he smirked.

They found a volleyball court in a nearby park, where people were playing basketball and tennis too.

“Oh, this could work for Saturday, too! It would be so nice to play outside!” Shouyou runs across the court to the net, while Kenma removed his hoodie to play in his black t-shirt.

Shouyou was already in his position, ready to toss the ball to Kenma, who walked up to the net and took his familiar position as a setter. It didn’t feel any different to stand there, but it made him feel uneasy of whether or not he still had his skills. He wasn't even sure if he would be ‘good enough’ for the passionate and talented Shouyou, either.

“Okey, here I go!” Shouyou warned and threw the ball. Kenma could feel his instincts kick in and senses heighten as if being in a game again, playing alongside Kuroo and their team, the crowd rumbling around him.

Instead of hearing the roar of the audience, the whole world seemed to quiet down as the ball passed through his fingers and met with Shouyou’s palm. The boy was, what felt like, meters on top of him and the ball slammed to the other side of the net and into the fence at the back of the court.

Shouyou floated down to the ground and grinned, watching the spot where the ball had landed inside the borders of the court.

The picture of Shouyou _flying_ through the air and up to hit the target _he_ had set for him, was still playing in his head as Shouyou already came back with the ball in his hand and sputtered a happy ‘one more?’.

“You’re amazing.” Kenma voiced his thoughts out loud by accident. Shouyou flushed red immediately.

“Ahh! It’s just a coincidence, I don’t always strike so well.. I was just so happy to hit your toss is all! And it was, like, just perfect and so easy to hit! So, I think you’re more amazing, Kenma.” Kenma just shook his head, unfazed by the compliments, because Shouyou had _flown_.

“But.. we can do a few more?” Shouyou offered the question again.

They kept tossing and spiking for a good 40 minutes, at least 30 minutes more than Kenma had initially thought. Shouyou’s spikes didn’t always land well, but his enthusiasm was tangible with each jump. Shouyou kept complimenting Kenma’s tosses, while a continues stream of ‘he’s amazing, he’s amazing’ played through Kenma’s head.

It felt nice to toss to Shouyou in the end. Technically it was just a small flick of his wrists to send the ball flying to the right spot over the net but it felt like Shouyou and him were.. connected. Shouyou lived and breathed volleyball and finally Kenma could be a part of that, even for a little moment. He was there to help Shouyou fly.

It also reminded him of how vastly different the two friends were. Shouyou told him how easy his tosses were, while his spikes were all over the place. Kenma was precise and calm, while Shouyou energetic and unpredictable. It made Kenma feel insecure about himself, wondering if they were too different or wouldn't fit together in the end. But, at least they seemed to be compatible in volleyball, so hopefully these thoughts wouldn’t ever interfere with their friendship either.

✿✿✿✿✿

On Saturday Kuroo had to drag Kenma out of his home and into the volleyball court. Even if he now felt more excited about playing and seeing _Shouyou_ play, he wasn’t going to mention it to Kuroo of all people.

When they arrive in the same park and at the volleyball court from the other day, Shouyou is already waving at them, gaining a volleyball to his head that Kageyama had just tossed to him.

Almost all others seemed to be present as well since Kenma saw way too many new faces on the court.

Kuroo found and went to greet some of his old teammates who had played with him on their first year. Daichi, Sugawara and Yaku greeted their old friend and started to immediately catch up, which they rarely did after Kuroo had dropped out of the team. There were never any hard feelings but Kuroo would be welcomed to their team and to see their games anytime.

Kenma had probably seen them many times before because of Kuroo, but during the two weeks he had been on the Karasuno team, he hadn’t introduced himself to anyone or even memorized their faces. He had felt so anxious about it and so sure that he wouldn’t even make it to the team that he had completely missed all the attempts of the team to get to know him, before he finally quit and got targeted by the second-years. He was sure the old team and the third years would remember him. They'd probably hate him for being a coward in his first-year, when he had even been given the place as their regular setter. He decided to ignore the third-years for now, embarrassed for being so weak.

Frowning a bit at the memories, Kenma walked over to Shouyou, who was doing drills with Kageyama, Lev, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. He sighed in relief when he saw at least some familiar faces.

After a while, the rest of the players, a second libero Nishinoya and a wing spiker Tanaka, arrived. Kenma recognized both from the same year as him, but had never talked to either. They looked too intimidating. Though, Kenma couldn’t really criticize Nishinoya’s two-colored hair, even though he kinda wanted to.

Kenma didn’t feel too confident about playing with so many strangers that probably wouldn’t even want him there. But he knew that as soon as he would step on the court, most of his worries would fade away by the so familiar instinct to play volleyball. If he got to play in the same team as his friends, or maybe even Shouyou- well, it would just be a bonus.

After quick introductions, the teams were divided randomly, every position filled with a player of that position. Kenma’s hope to play on Shouyou’s team quickly got lost as, instead, he was stuck with Kuroo to toss to. Now he needed to worry about finding a way to block the freak duo on the other side that he had heard so much about.

The other players in their team were Yaku as libero, Daichi and Kuroo as spikers, Tsukishima and Suga as middle blockers. Suga let Kenma play as the setter for the game, probably out of pity, Kenma thought. Sugawara truthfully just wanted to observe Kenma’s skills that had impressed him when he first saw them.

That meant their rivals were now Shouyou and Yamaguchi as middle blockers, Lev and Tanaka as spikers, while Nishinoya and Kageyama were the libero and setter.

They decided to play best of three, the game already intense straight from the beginning.

Kenma could notice how hitched together all the others were, probably because they practiced daily together, Kenma and Kuroo being the exceptions.

But whereas Kenma was still getting used to the feeling of adrenaline and sweat again after a year, his eyes following the blue-yellow ball everywhere, all the others seemed to be having fun and messing around too, trying fun new techniques and styles. The atmosphere was serious, but also careless and pleasant.

Kenma’s team seemed to get even more serious as Shouyou slammed his first quick spike to their court. While everyone else tried to counter it with speed and altering their positions, Kenma had the gears in his head turning.

He kept narrowing his eyes at the duo, until he pulled Kuroo by his sleeve and whispered something to him. Kuroo only smirked, which caused the players on both sides of the net to become confused.

The next time the redhead jumped up to spike the ball, Kuroo jumped a bit later, at the right time so that Shouyou didn’t have time to change the course he was going to hit the ball anymore. The first attempt only gained them a ‘one touch’ but as they now could attack back, Daichi’s spike ended the ball to their favor.

As the team gave high-fives to each other, Kenma turned to them to say “Okay, that’s how we can stop them.”

Everyone stopped for a second to stare at Kenma, while Kuroo and Yaku (who had known Kenma from Nekoma already) grinned to each other. The others seemed impressed and continued the game according to Kenma’s advices.

The third set ended with Kenma’s team winning 32 to 30. Kenma got some reassuring pats on his back from Daichi and Yaku, and a thumbs-up from Sugawara.

Because no one, except Kenma and maybe Tsukishima, had already had enough, they decided to mix the teams and play another round.

Kenma was happy when Shouyou insisted they be on the same team. The two played with Tsukishima, Tanaka, Yaku and Daichi on their side. Kuroo played with the other team consisting of Yamaguchi, Sugawara, Kageyama, Nishinoya and Lev.

The teams seemed to, once again, be well-matched as they earned points one at a time. The other team tried some weird attacks, performed by Lev and Suga, that made Kenma doubt they even knew the rules.

He had to be extra careful when the team switched their setter between Kageyama, Sugawara and even Nishinoya. Kenma knew all of Kuroo’s moves inside out and Lev was just way too theatrical with his moves, so both of the spikers were a piece of cake for Kenma. Yamaguchi therefore was a bit too slow to read Kenma’s sets, but he had already told Kenma that he was still practicing the position as a middle blocker.

On his side, Kenma was pretty pleased with how well Tsukishima took his advices. Tsukishima and Kenma were the quiet ones of the bunch, so he felt like they had a mutual respect for each other on the court. Tanaka seemed to catch all of his sets well, Yaku and Kenma worked together well like they had already in middle school. Even Daichi came to discuss some moves with Kenma during the game.

What he had anticipated the most, was setting to Shouyou of course, but their cooperation didn’t seem to work at first. Kenma had already seen how different his and Kageyama’s setting styles were, but he wanted Shouyou to try hitting his own tosses, and not to try replicateing Karasuno’s setter. He knew that if they could sync, it could even swipe Kageyama’s smirk away.

The raven-haired boy was their teams and personally Kenma’s biggest competition anyway. Kenma was admiring how technically competent Kageyama was, whereas Kenma himself used logic more than anything when he setted.

Shouyou seemed to become more and more frustrated when all of his spikes were either blocked or touched. Kenma knew they had to come up with a new plan soon or they’d lose, which his pride at the moment didn’t let him do. Even if he was usually shy and unsure, Kuroo and everyone else on the court had already noticed the shift in Kenma’s character, only increasing their silent respect for him, while Kenma still tried to analyze Shouyou’s movements to see what could be done.

When he finally had an idea they could try, Kenma called out to Shouyou and, trying to tug at his arm, accidentally took his hand in his own. Shouyou looked very confused, but Kenma just decided to go with it and whispered his thoughts to Shouyou’s ear.

When Shoyuou understood the new plan, he quickly squeezed Kenma’s hand and then let go to return to his spot. Kenma wondered why his face suddenly felt so hot. Shouyou already knew why he felt the same.

The next time the ball was in the air, on its way to Shouyou, he basically exited the court and jumped to the net diagonally, facing the whole court, instead of only one side of it. He now had more spots where he could spike the ball. He could basically rotate his body in any direction without the blockers having enough time to block all of the possible holes in their defense. Kenma’s tosses, which were not as fast as Kageyama’s, but higher and slower, gave Shouyou enough time to decide where to hit the ball.

As this spike left the ball rolling to the back fence of the court untouched, Kenma glanced at Kageyama, who had indeed stopped smiling. It was all playful rivalry, but Kenma still felt proud of it.

Shouyou seemed to be back to his energetic- and cheery-self, now even more ecstatic than before.

“Kenma, did you see that? It worked!” Shouyou was glowing.

“That’s amazing, Shouyou.” He provided a small smile as a reward to Shouyou and, by the look of Shouyou’s blush, it seemed to be well-received.

Not all of them actually made it to the other side of the net, but enough that Kenma’s team won again.

✿✿✿✿✿

The loser team had of course decided to reward the winners with ice cream and meat buns from Karasuno’s coach’s shop. Kenma only walked with Kuroo and Yaku at the end of the group, while glancing at Shouyou, who was laughing and smiling with Kageyama and Nishinoya at the front. He actually felt happy to be included in the big group, now at least knowing all of their names. He had hoped that he could spend more time with Shouyou, though.

As if his wishes were answered, Shouyou locked his eyes with Kenma and started to retreat to the back of the group where Kenma walked with the two third-years.

“Kenma, come on! I want to buy you a meat bun, it’s my favorite!” Kenma didn’t dare to answer that he had eaten plenty of meat buns in his life.

Shouyou kept pulling Kenma, their hands clasped together, until they both were almost running towards the store that they could now see on the horizon.

“Hinata, idiot, I want one too!” Kageyama yelled behind them and started running too. It soon became like a competition, the whole group jogging to the store while laughing at the freak-duos shenanigans. Well, almost everyone, as Yamaguchi was still trying to pull Tsukishima along with the rest.

They ate their meat buns outside the shop, laughing and joking with each other.

Soon the conversation somehow turned to him.

“I got to say, I was surprised at how skilled you really are, Kozume-san” Daichi smiled at him. Kenma felt his face warm from the compliments that kept coming.

“Yeah, we only saw how well you can set during the two weeks last year, but now I see you got the brains too!” Sugawara teased. Everyone seemed to agree, which was unbelievable to Kenma. He thought they had hated him all this time!

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima nodded along to the praises and Lev started whining how he wanted to play with Kenma too. Kageyama was the only one not acknowledging the conversation, only silently continuing to eat his meat bun. Kuroo and Yaku looked at each other knowingly because they knew how impressing Kenma was on the court.

“Yeah, me and Tanaka never really got to talk to you on the team, which is a shame, because you seem so chill! Just what our team would need to balance all the energy we have!” Nishinoya grinned.

“If someone will take credit for seeing Kenma’s talent, it’s me!” Shouyou shouted, mouth still full of the meat bun.

Kenma smiled at Shoyuou first, then everyone else and thanked them all shyly. He would let the words sink in better later, when could express the joy bubbling in his chest alone. He started to really feel that this is where he to enjoyed to be, with his new friends and beside Shouyou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I wanted Kenma to gain some more confidence in himself through other people in this chapter before he could feel comfortable enough to maybe get to know Shoyuou even better ;)) Kenma of course finds it super scary to be in a big group, especially with people that he thinks have a bad impression from him. Luckily, no one in the Karasuno team judges him, but encourages and helps him feel more comfortable with them!! Yay for Kenma!
> 
> I loved writing the interactions in this chapter, finally I had some more characters to write again, and I must say they are SO fun! I feel it's super interesting to study Kenma's relationship with each character. I've also played volleyball myself, so I had to have a scene where Shouyou and Kenma play together too :)  
> Also English is not my native language, so hopefully there aren't too many weird idioms!
> 
> Thank you so much for kudos and comments <33 I really appreciate all feedback!!


	7. I overthink and still forgive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma gets into an awkward situation with the other setter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, a new chapter so soon! Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Warning for a mild description of an anxiety attack at the beginning.

A few days after their unofficial volleyball matches, Kenma found himself wandering to Shouyou’s class again. He hadn’t heard anything from Shouyou during these days- usually his friend invited him or made sure that Kenma was coming to eat lunch with them.

Today Kenma wanted to decide for himself. He was really missing the ball of sunshine, his energy and positivity. It felt like a huge decision to make, since he wasn’t basically invited and thought that the first-years would get angry for it. But if it meant he that could see Shouyou, he was willing to push himself.

Except Shouyou wasn’t in the classroom. Or in the hallway when he was looking around, searching for him. He immediately became self-aware, feeling lonely and scared, and started to think that everyone was looking at him, questioning his motives and judging every move he made. He kept glancing around so he could maybe still save himself from the embarrassment and humiliation but only saw how the eyes of strangers were all fixed on him.

_What’s that loser doing here? Does he think he can go into our classroom? Does he think he has friends here?_

The questions started flooding into his head and wouldn’t stop, simultaneously increasing his anxiety and panic.

He felt so stupid for trying this, for trying to be something he wasn’t. He wasn’t their friend, he wasn’t _allowed_ to be here and expect everyone to welcome him.

Everyone around him could clearly see that he was weak. Why did he even think otherwise? _I’m so stupid, stupid.._

He needed to get away from the gazes and the judgement as soon as possible.

He would have to go back to his own classroom, feeling like a failure. Everyone there too would see how he tried to run away from them. If Hinata was here, even he would think that Kenma was stupid to come here on his own. Of course he would! Shouyou wanted to protect him, so he would probably yell and tell Kenma to go back or never to come here alone again.

He could feel his hand start to tremble and his increasing heart rate made his head ache. Outside, you could only see his quickened breathing, when he truly just wanted to curl up in a ball and escape the thoughts.

Kenma was frozen at first, screaming to his legs to move, to get him away from there. When they finally obeyed him, he had decided that he needed to get somewhere away from everyone, to be alone like he deserved.

He turned to run when he immediately crashed onto someone’s chest in front of him. A boy taller than him with a friendly smile and eyes. It calmed him just a bit that it was Yamaguchi, but he needed to explain himself and get away.

“I-I’m so sorry, Yamaguchi-kun. I was- I was just leaving, since I didn’t see Shouyou..” he explained with a small, trembling voice that he tried to hide. Without Kenma even realizing, Yamaguchi had actually noticed the boy’s state of panic.

“Everything’s okay, Kozume-san.” He said calmly. “I actually heard from Kageyama that Hinata has been sick for the last two days and he hasn’t been to school. That’s why you couldn’t find him.”

“Oh.” Kenma answered shortly. He just wanted to leave, but he didn’t want to be rude to Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi had always been only respectful and understanding towards him.

“But since you’re here, wouldn’t you want to stay and eat lunch with us anyway?” Yamaguchi asked very carefully, making sure that Kenma could still refuse.

“Ah, I don’t know..”

It was easy to ignore the bad talk about him, the rumors and whispers, he was used to that. It felt horrible to be disappointing someone who was trying to be nice to him...

“Of course, no pressure! But I don’t think anyone would mind, it's just our usual group! Actually, I would be really happy if you joined, too.” Yamaguchi smiled.

Kenma glanced inside, where he could see the familiar first-years already enjoying their lunches. He had missed them completely before.

To hear that was welcome to join them, the loneliness passed quickly. Even if he still didn’t know if he was considered their friend, these people already had a place in Kenma’s life. He hoped he could have a place in theirs too.

Of course, the fact that Lev shouted his name loudly just seconds later, made it very logical to accept Yamaguchi’s invite too. Refusing would have drawn a lot more attention to him than joining them, anyway.

“S-Sorry for intruding..” He sat next to Lev and Yamaguchi, the two he definitely knew and liked the best. Tsukishima was always decent and nice, but it seemed hard to connect with him (which he could totally relate to..), while Kageyama hadn’t really ever talked to him, but just given him glares and stared at him.

“It’s totally fine, Kozume-san.” Tsukishima commented.

Lev was of course immediately clinging to Kenma and asking him a bunch of questions.

“Hinata said that he would come back to school tomorrow.” Lev finally said when no one had addressed the missing boy to Kenma.

“Yeah, Kageyama is going to take some books to Hinata today. He had apparently been whining about missing all his classes.” Yamaguchi joked. It made Kenma think of a panicked Shouyou under the covers with a runny nose, and he even smiled a bit.

“ _Buuut_ … I wonder if he really can go on his own. He has to carry his own books too..” Yamaguchi sounded like he was just talking out loud but then he turned to Kenma.

“Kenma, do you think you could go with him too?” Kenma saw a face he never thought he would see on Yamaguchi: a smirk. Even Tsukishima and Kageyama seemed to be surprised of the request but didn’t say anything.

“I mean, you also haven’t seen Hinata for a few days.. I’m sure he’d be glad if two of his close friends would visit him.” He kept on smirking. He was planning something but Kenma couldn’t yet tell what it was.

He definitely would have refused, if he now wasn’t already thinking about seeing the sniffling Shouyou in real life.

“Umm.. I think it would be nice to see him.. But I don’t know if it’s okay to Kageyama-kun.” He couldn’t look up from his lunch, definitely not at Kageyama. Kenma always had a feeling that the raven-haired boy didn’t like him..

“Well, Kageyama?” Yamaguchi was enjoying the situation way too much.

“I guess it’s fine with me, too..” Kageyama almost blushed for feeling embarrassed.

“Great! Than it’s settled!” Yamaguchi clasped his hands together.

Kenma didn’t really know what he had agreed to.

✿✿✿✿✿

It was even more awkward than Kenma had hoped for.

Kenma and Kageyama were now on their way to Shouyou’s house, just a few minutes into walking and a tense silence was already hanging over them.

Kenma had heard enough about Kageyama and seen him interact with Shouyou and their team to know what kind of person Kageyama was. Kenma saw him to be very proud, confident and maybe a bit self-centered at times (mostly when he played volleyball, which was almost all of Kenma’s references of him).

Not that it bothered Kenma at all or that he judged Kageyama’s behavior, but he was incredibly intimidated by it.

Being a short, shy and quiet kid was the exact opposite of the image Kenma had of Kageyama, and he couldn’t help feeling inferior in comparison to Kageyama’s confidence. It was even more highlighted by the fact that they had played the same position in volleyball. Everything about it screamed to Kenma that he wasn’t good enough to be Kageyama’s friend. He wouldn’t even believe that Kageyama would be interested either.

It didn’t help at all to know that he was also Shouyou’s best friend and probably the person Shouyou admired and looked up to the most, even if he wouldn’t admit it to Kageyama.

Kenma didn’t feel like he was rivaling for Shouyou’s attention against the other but that Kageyama was already a lot better at being Shouyou’s friend than he ever could. Shouyou and Kageyama shared so many things, interests and memories together, not to mention their incredible passion for volleyball. Was Kenma able to offer Shouyou anything to be as good a friend as Kageyama?

He cringed at the thought but tried to remember that being friends wasn’t about competing who was better, more loyal or more interesting. He felt like Shouyou had told him that at some point.

In the end, he was also impressed by and admired Kageyama. He would probably enjoy discussing volleyball with him, since it seemed to be the boy’s only interest. But still he found it almost unbearable to say anything, thinking that Kageyama would deem him stupid, awkward or weird for speaking to him.

“So..” Kageyama cleared his throat. “It’s like two blocks this way and then to the right..”

If not for all the assumptions Kenma had of Kageyama, he could have sworn the boy looked nervous. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the confident boy feeling like that. _Was he just uncomfortable in Kenma’s company?_

“Yeah, I’ve been to his house that one time a few weeks ago.” Kenma tried to say something, _anything_.

“Oh, yeah.. I just thought maybe you didn’t.. already know..” He was getting more and more quiet, trying to fill the silence somehow. 

Kenma thought that he might panic if the awkwardness wouldn’t stop. He considered excusing himself, saying that it was wrong for him to force coming with him, and leave.

“I-I heard from Hinata that you have been tossing to him a few times..” Kageyama was now clutching his bag that had Shouyou’s books in it.

Kageyama must have been angry that he was stealing Shouyou when _they_ were the freak duo, Kenma concluded. Not that he actually was trying to, but Kenma wasn’t even sure anymore at that point.

“Ahh.. no,no,no, just once.. I am just so rusty that I definitely couldn’t even keep up with Shouyou, I don’t basically even stand a chance..” He tried to downplay himself, hopefully making Kageyama calmer too.

“Huh? I’m wondering more how Hinata could even match your tosses, to be honest. He sometimes has no common sense and even I have trouble coming up with how to bring out the best in him..”

Now Kenma was confused. It sounded like Kageyama had complimented him.

Kageyama suddenly stopped in his tracks.

“Actually.. I was feeling a bit jealous at how well you two played together last Saturday.. At first I felt kinda angry, but then I realized that it just means I have a lot to improve myself. And I hope I haven’t been to gloomy since then..” (or all this time, Kenma thought) “..but I think you’re incredible skillful and seem so calm and precise, which is something I’d really like to learn.”

Kenma gaped at the raven-haired boy, seeing him in a whole new light.

“What I mean is that you seem very cool and it’d be fun to practice with you sometimes too. I don’t think Hinata would mind either.”

Something about Kageyama’s honesty urged Kenma to speak more openly too.

“No, I mean.. Sure.. I actually never thought you’d think that about me. I always have felt kind of average, while I think you have all the qualities of a talented setter.. I don’t really think there’s a lot you could profit from practicing with me, but I wouldn’t mind it either..” Kenma still felt awkward, but maybe in a different way, kind of positive way.

“Oh, really?” Kageyama rubbed the back of his neck. “I just have been learning to face my own weaknesses this semester, after meeting Hinata and playing with this team, actually. I realized that I can’t improve by myself anymore but need to work with the team and especially other setters. I’ve already learned so much from Suga and I think your style as a setter is very interesting and I’ve been kind of nervous to ask you about it..”

Kenma couldn’t believe how wrong he seemed to have judged Kageyama.

The rest of the way they kept sharing new techniques and ideas about setting and volleyball. Kenma was positively surprised when Kageyama could even hold conversations about topics like training, literature (which Kenma liked but Kageyama had troubles with) and cats, that they both seemed to adore.

Kageyama’s stiff jokes and small smiles were also very welcome, and Kenma felt himself relax more and more.

“It’s really a good practice for Shouyou to train with different types of setters and people. I don’t know everything about him, but I can read him quite well already and I know he really enjoys your company.” This was one of the moments Kageyama showed his brief smile.

“Well, I do think he’s fun to be around too. I find it a bit strange, since we’re so different in the end..”

“Hinata needs someone to balance out his enthusiasm. That’s why I think you and I are probably a good influence on him. I think he can already communicate a lot better than at the start of the semester. At first, I couldn’t stand him, because we just couldn’t understand what the other was saying. But with you he seems to consider your feelings a lot better already and probably even more than the feelings of others.” Kageyama glanced at Kenma and dared to smirk.

Kenma could only blush. To hear that Kageyama found his friendship with Shouyou good and healthy, and accepted that they were close, felt like a big weight off of Kenma’s shoulders. It confirmed that both of them could have a place in Shouyou’s life. It felt nice to hear that.

“Though, you seem to be more patient with him than I am,” Kageyama smirked again. “I basically can’t stand when he keeps babbling about stuff or can’t sometimes even keep still when he’s excited.”

“Oh.. I think I just find it quite endearing.” Kenma answered without thinking too much about it.

“I bet you do.” Kageyama added, but changed the topic soon after. Kenma missed the implication.

He was just happy that _Shouyou_ seemed to be another one of their common interests as well.

✿✿✿✿✿

They arrived at Shouyou’s house soon after. Kageyama went ahead because he actually had a reason to be there, whereas Kenma was just hoping to see Shouyou.

And what kind of a Shouyou he saw: the door opened to a red-nosed, tangled-haired boy with an adorable, patterned pajama shirt and bottoms. The dark-blue pajamas had little baby birds all over it.

“Should you even be walking around, Hinata?” Kageyama started as soon as the door was opened.

“I’m just fine, Bakageyam- KENMA!?” He shouted in surprise, which made both of the visitors flinch.

“Umm.. we came to visit and bring you your homework, I’m sorry if I’m here uninvited..” Kenma felt embarrassed. He hadn’t even stopped to think whether or not Shouyou had wanted to see _him_.

“Uhh, thanks! It’s fine of course, I just wish you could have told me,” Shouyou laughed embarrassed.

He invited them both in and offered tea. The first-years kept talking about school and the practice that Shouyou had missed. Shouyou still seemed a bit flustered and Kenma couldn’t help but think it was his fault.

When Kageyama left to use the bathroom, they were left in silence, Shouyou shuffling on the couch and Kenma sitting in an armchair next to it, sipping on his black tea.

“Shouyou, are you upset that I came? I-I didn’t mean to..” Kenma didn’t know what he could say. He couldn’t really understand why it had made Shouyou upset and felt even worse.

“Of course not, Kenma!” Shouyou turned to face him and their eyes met only for the second time after Kenma and Kageyama had arrived.

“It’s just.. embarrassing.. _Waahh_! I look so exhausted and sick and I haven’t even combed my hair.. I feel stupid somehow.” Shouyou pulled his knees to his chest.

“What?” Kenma was genuinely confused. He wouldn’t have asked for Shouyou to dress up for him and Kageyama, he had been sick, for crying out loud.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, this is your home. You don’t have to pretend to be anything to us, your friends. Heck, if I was sick and at home I’d probably look the same, if not worse.” Kenma frowned still, but the thought made Shouyou smile.

“I guess.. I just felt nervous when I saw that you were here too. I want to seem cool to you, because you are, but..” He fiddled with the fabric of his pajama pants.

“… I bet you wouldn’t have embarrassing, childish pajamas like these..?” Shouyou continued, blush surfacing on his cheeks.

“No, mine are even more embarrassing. In fact, I wouldn’t look cute in them like you do. Though, I usually just lie in my bed under the covers and play with my phone, when I’m sick.”

Shouyou seemed to lighten up. “I look cute?” he repeated, looking at his clothes.

“Oh.. yeah.” Kenma answered back.

“Haha, I hope I could actually take care of you when you’re sick! It would be fun to see!” Shouyou leaned his arm on the armrest, looking less upset now.

“Now, that I wouldn’t let happen. Apparently, I’m super grumpy when sick, more than usual that is.”

Shouyou just laughed at him, before he shivered on the couch. It was cold away from his bed where he had been sleeping just an hour ago.

“Do you need a blanket?” Kenma offered, interpreting Shouyou’s motions correctly.

“Yeah, sure.”

Shouyou raised his hand for Kenma to give him the blanket that was resting next to Kenma.

Instead Kenma got up himself, opened the blanket for him and placed it over Shouyou, flattening the fabric onto his legs and tucking it over his shoulders.

It made Shouyou freeze and suddenly he wasn’t feeling so cold anymore.

“There you go.” Kenma kept this hand on Shouyou’s shoulder for a while and smiled, looking at the sick boy. Shouyou would have looked away if he could, but he secretly hoped that Kenma would see his blush.

After a few seconds Kenma slumped down the couch next to Shouyou and fetched his tea into his hands again.

“Kenma.. do you.. ever feel nervous around me?” Shouyou had continued staring at the boy.

“Hmm-- I used to, but not anymore I think. Now it’s really easy and comfortable to be with you.” He said, thinking it over.

Shouyou hoped for a different kind of answer, but this one seemed fine, if not better.

“Ahh.. that’s good.” Shouyou dared to scoot over just a bit more so that their shoulders were touching. He leaned into Kenma, thinking that he could blame it for being sick.

“Why do you ask?

“No reason, really.”

Shouyou grinned and Kageyama decided to join them at that same moment. Even Kageyama was smiling at the display in front of him and they continued their previous conversations with even more fervor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to "dedicate" a chapter to Kenma and Kageyama finally becoming friends. Kageyama is maybe the most intimidating of the firts-years Kenma knows but also Shouyou's closest friend so it's understandable that Kenma would have a lot of pressure with him. In the end, I think those two are kinda similar though and could get along well! Even Kageyama went through some character development along Kenma in this chapter and I'm so proud of these equally awkward boys! He even gives his "blessing" to their "friendship" ;)))
> 
> II haven't really wirtten anything with Kageyama before, so hopefully he's not too out of character. Of course, I needed to add some fluff with Shouyou in this chapter too!! <3 Shouyou seems to be getting more aware of his feelings, but poor Kenma is still so oblivious :''(
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it and thank you for the comments and feedback! ^^


	8. Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou has a problem with their friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for 1000+ hits! <3
> 
> I'm so happy that so many people read my fics, give kudos and comment!  
> So enjoy some angst!<3

Shouyou returned to school the next day, feeling more pumped up than ever after his sick days at home. He felt like everything was finally in place.

Their team was heading to the prefectural preliminaries soon, he and Kageyama were perfecting their new quick attack and he even had some time to study when he spent the few days at home. Seeing Kenma at his house the day before and knowing that he could meet the boy everyday again made him smile even more.

Their friendship had grown very close- Kenma was probably the person he could tell most about himself and the easiest to be around. He also thought that Kenma was getting more and more comfortable with him, sharing more of his life. Shouyou hoped to also hear his deeper thoughts, the ones harder to voice out loud, but he was happy with the pace they were going forward, learning more about each other every day.

Kenma had also warmed up to a lot of Shouyou’s friends already, even if he didn’t call them ‘his friends’ just yet. Shouyou was proud about it, of himself and his friends for welcoming Kenma into their friend group so easily, but most of Kenma for trying so hard and succeeding in making new friends.

He had planned the day to fit Kenma’s schedule already, eager to hang out with him.

He was expecting to see Kenma at lunch at their usual meet-up place, but was surprised first thing in the morning when he arrived to school.

Shouyou saw Kenma and Lev walking through the school gates together.

He quickly caught up with them, which was totally normal and he was _not_ trying to intervene, since he and Lev had the same first period anyway.

“Hey, guys! Funny to see you here so early?” he made it sound like a question, because he truly was questioning the situation.

“Oh, Shouyou..” Kenma had startled. “I ran to Lev when he came to school by bike so we walked here together. Well, he didn’t give me a choice, actually..”

The answer made Shouyou calm down, not having noticed that he had gotten a bit tense.

The same thing happened again that day, when Shouyou was just about to head to their lunch place, only to see that Kenma was already sitting in their class room, talking with Yamaguchi and.. _Tsukishima_? _who_ _was actually joining the conversation?_

“Hey, I thought we’d eat with Kuroo today?” He returned to his seat.

“He said he’s staying in his classroom to study with his friends. I came here to tell you, but then Yamaguchi invited me to eat here.”

“Oh, that’s fine!” Shouyou waved his hands in front of him. _I didn’t know they were close enough to do that.._ Shouyou caught himself thinking, but literally shook the thought out of his head.

✿✿✿✿✿

This seemed to become a continuing occurrence during the week. Sometimes it was Kageyama asking for setting tips as they were talking in the hallway _alone_ , Lev interrupting almost all of their walks home, or basically the whole team asking Kenma when they’d play again when Kenma came to see Shouyou after practice. Lev even dared to utter a ‘ _See you after school’_ to Kenma one morning. It turned out Kenma and Lev were going to go buy new games after school. Just the two of them.

The last straw for Shouyou was the following week’s Tuesday when Kenma once again appeared at their gym after practice. It was normal, of course, but this time Shouyou hadn’t invited him.

“Kenma, hey! What are you doing here?” He asked innocently. _Like an idiot.._

“Kageyama asked if we could practice setting together and I could give him some tips?” Shouyou’s fake smile must have faltered or twitched for just a second, because Kenma continued, asking: _“Is-Is that okay?”_ very carefully.

“Of course! I just thought everyone’d leave right after, but I could spike for you two if you want!” He _definitely_ wouldn’t leave those two here alone, not even sure what he was so worried of. It just made Shouyou feel restless and a bit sad.

Since both of the setters agreed, they started drilling spikes to Shouyou and Shouyou hitting them across the net.

But after almost every set from either of the two, they just _had to_ stop and spend _minutes_ talking about every little detail, while Shouyou was being completely ignored.

In his mind, he wanted to show them both how well _he_ could spike. He was more precise now and his straight and cross-strikes had gotten a lot better. He could even try to impress Ken- them both.

But _nooo_.. All of the focus was on how Kageyama trained his fingers or how high Kenma jumped when tossing the ball. Shouyou became even more restless, tapping his foot and slamming the ball in his hand, waiting to get the next drill rolling.

When it was Kenma’s turn to toss to him, he tried to jump even higher and in a perfect form (to show off), but when he landed, the two were already analyzing their own performances. Shouyou understood that they wanted to improve, but treating him, the spiker(!) like air just made him pout and sulk harder. It was important to get feedback from the spiker too!

When one too many times he had to go fetch the balls back alone from around the court, waiting for the setters to finish their talk, he decided to do something.

So, desperate times called for desperate measures, and the next time he jumped up to spike and landed, he fell straight to the floor holding his ankle.

“Ow, dammit!” He shouted from the ground and winched from the “pain”. It worked, since Kenma and Kageyama both turned to look at him, Kenma already rushing up to him.

“Shouyou, are you okay? What happened?” He crouched and looked worryingly at the boy on the ground.

“I think I landed a bit weird. I think it’s twisted.” He rubbed the ankle and pouted dramatically, looking up at Kenma with hurt eyes.

Kenma was not good with situations like this- taking care of others that is- and started panicking.

“Oh, okay- Maybe we should get you some ice- Or do you first need to lift it up? Should we go to the nurses office- What if it’s really bad though—” He mumbled and Shouyou was surprised by the reaction. He only hoped to get some attention and care, not to make Kenma worry- and for nothing.

“Let me see.” Kageyama came to the scene too and took Shouyou’s leg in his hand.

“Hey—be careful..” Shouyou tried to resist the grip. He knew that Kageyama could probably be able to see through him.

“Well, it’s not swollen at all. So I don’t think it’s.. that bad..” He looked at the guilty expression Shouyou had, looking around the gym, not meeting Kageyama’s eyes. He softly tightened the grip on his ankle and when Shouyou didn’t react to it at all, he moved back.

“I don’t think it’s anything serious. But maybe it’d be best if you could walk him home, Kozume-san. He shouldn’t put any extra pressure on his foot right now.” Kageyama stated to Kenma but glanced at Shouyou afterwards with a knowing sulk on his face, only to see Shouyou blushing like crazy.

 _You idiot,_ Kageyama thought.

“Oh, sure. If that helps..” Kenma came to help Shouyou up from the ground, offering his hand to walk the injured boy to the lockers.

Shouyou placed his own arm around Kenma’s shoulders and started limping towards the doors. Kenma gripped his waist softly, barely touching, to keep Shouyou up.

It didn’t help Shouyou’s blush go down, but neither was he happy about the situation. He pouted all the way to the lockers silently.

“Umm.. do you need any help changing or do I wait here..??” Kenma asked concerned when Shouyou was entering the boys’ locker room.

“No, its fine.” Shouyou assured, only blushing more.

In the end, this wasn’t what Shouyou had wanted or meant to happen at all.

He would’ve been fine with Kenma just giving him some attention until he felt better, but now he had tricked and lied to both of his friends, making Kenma worried and Kageyama disappointed at him for seeing through his faking.

It sounded like a good idea, but now he felt even more pathetic than he had before. He didn’t understand why it had been so hard to talk to Kenma about his feelings and the problem in the first place. That wasn’t like him at all and Kageyama must have noticed it too.

When he exited the locker room, wearing the black jersey of their team, Kenma had also put his own hoodie on top of his training t-shirt and fetched his umbrella from his bag. The sky had just been waiting to erupt and the first drops of rain were now falling to the ground, making the air thick with humidity and Shouyou’s mood only drop further. He didn’t like rain and darkness- sunshine always brought out the best in nature and rain only turned everything grey and sad.

“Do you need help, Shouyou?” Kenma hovered next to him, not knowing if he should grab the others hand or shoulder or anything.

“No.. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Shouyou didn’t dare look at Kenma, knowing that the worried look on his face would only make him feel worse.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Umm.. do you have an umbrella, though? You can take mine, if you want, it’s not good if you catch a cold too..”

“What? No, I—it’s fine to share it..” He frowned even more, but in the end the two left under Kenma’s umbrella.

Shouyou was getting more and more upset, almost on the verge of tears as the silence continued. He couldn’t understand why Kenma wasn’t saying anything or asking him why he had been so explicitly grumpy and rude to him this whole time.

Shouyou had some questions for Kenma too. Why had Kenma been so worried in the first place? He can handle things on his own, and now that Kenma has other friends too, he shouldn’t have to worry about Shouyou. Why was Kenma still being so thoughtful and kind and caring to him, when they hadn’t even had time to talk or spend time together all week? Didn’t Kenma see that he was so upset about it?

Shouyou felt that Kenma had been giving so many mixed signals the whole week that he was almost bursting inside. What did their friendship even mean to Kenma?

“Shouyou, are you okay?” Kenma asked quietly and _there_ it was. The sentence that made Shouyou blow up with frustration.

“NO, I’M.. HOW don’t you see it?” Shouyou had always had troubles opening up about his negative feelings and to confront other people. He didn’t really know what to say to convey his feelings right, but still to not hurt anyone.

“I-I don’t know what you mean, Shouyou..” Kenma’s eyes had widened and he stuttered, sounding almost afraid.

“It’s YOU! I’m upset at _you_! It’s all so unfair, but still.. I don’t.. _aargh_..” Shouyou kept trying to come up with the right words, but only ruffled his hair when nothing came to him.

Kenma’s eyes stayed as wide, mouth parted and brows worried. _Had he done something wrong to Shouyou?_ He was completely frozen in place, not knowing how to make things right, when he was so confused.

He held the umbrella with one hand, gripping it tighter and tighter. They were so close to each other, sharing the small space under the umbrella that Kenma could see every detail of Shouyou’s frustrated expressions.

“You—I feel like I don’t matter to you anymore! And it sucks, because it makes me feel so sad and angry.. but you don’t have to deal with me! It’s not your problem if that’s so..” He pleaded for Kenma to explain, when all he could think of was that Kenma wasn’t caring how he felt. Why would he otherwise have ignored Shouyou all week?

“That-That’s not true..” Kenma tried to answer.

“What is it then? You don’t like me anymore? Is it because I’m so loud? Or too overwhelming and overbearing? And I always only talk about volleyball, I know it’s super annoying to everyone else..”

“No! Why would you think that? That’s not what I think!” Kenma took a step closer when Shouyou tried backing away from him, his shoulder and back already getting wet from the rain.

“Come on.. I know it must be hard around me, I’m so.. too much.” Shouyou talked quietly. He had abandoned these thoughts long ago. He had been bullied for what he was like. Making new friends that liked him the way he was had stopped the thoughts, but now it felt like none of that mattered if Kenma wouldn’t accept him.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry, if I’ve acted like that! I’ve never anything bad to say about you, and I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel like it!” Kenma was getting way too emotional too. He didn’t know why he felt so compelled to deny all of those feelings, but he had to make it clear right now.

“Than, why do you ignore me?” Now Shouyou was confused too, almost not seeing Kenma from the unshed tears in his eyes.

“What?”

“All week, you’ve hung out with Lev and Yamaguchi and Tsukishima and even Kageyama, but we haven’t had time together at all… And this is stupid, because I know you can hang out with other people, but it makes me feel so… _gwaah_!” Shouyou gestured with his hands rapidly.

Kenma kept staring at him. “I—don’t understand..” He asked embarrassed. He wanted to help Shouyou with his feelings and not make him upset, but.. He couldn’t understand why someone would care about him like that.

“I just.. In middle school, I felt that I always ended up pushing away other people, because they thought I’m too much. I thought you’re doing that to me too.. that being with me would make you just hate me and now you’d start pulling away from me..”

A short silence stretched between them, while Kenma thought of the situation form his standpoint.

“I also noticed that we haven’t talked much this week. I had fun with your- our friends but I never meant it to hurt our friendship. It’s such a new situation to me that I wasn’t sure how to act..I've always had just Kuroo and never needed to divide my time between more people..” Kenma reflected on the week. He had enjoyed hanging out with their friends but had missed Shouyou the whole time too.

“Would it help if I wouldn’t hang out with any of your friends?” Kenma knew the suggestion was.. odd, but he could do it, if it meant that Shouyou would be happ-

“NO! OF COURSE NOT, KENMA!” Shouyou grabbed his arms to steady him and look at him. He never wanted Kenma to risk his happiness for anyone. “You—haven’t really done anything wrong.. Gaah, this is so stupid! I’m not even mad at you, well a bit, but I’m angrier at myself than anything else.”

Kenma let him continue. “.. I shouldn’t feel like this. I should be happy that you’re having fun and making new friends, even better, they are both of our friends.. But then again, I just feel so upset when I notice that it might affect out friendship too. You probably don’t even see it like that, but I guess I got.. scared.” Now Shouyou finally stopped holding back his tears, feeling so stupid but also hopeful that he finally managed to say his true feelings.

“I’m sorry, Kenma.. I should have told you from the start, but I kept everything to myself, and—didn’t trust you enough to speak with you. But I was so worried that..” He kept wiping the tears with the back of his hands.

“Shouyou, it’s alright.. You told me now and.. there’s no harm done.” Kenma wasn’t confused or panicking anymore. He felt somehow.. weird and wrong, like something wasn’t standing right with him.

“You sure? You’re not mad?”

“No, because you’re just being honest, Shouyou. I.. didn’t know something like that could hurt you..”

“What do you mean?” Shouyou could barely lift his head to listen to the other’s answer.

“I don’t understand why you’d—care for me that much? I’m nothing special, you shouldn’t have to think about my feelings at all. I’m just happy to even be _your_ friend.. You’ll just get hurt like this if you consider my feelings, you really shouldn’t..”

“Kenma, you’re my friend, I’ll always care about you.. You’re probably my closest friend and I respect and will consider your feelings too. You are worth being cared about!”

Kenma stared at his friend, trying to take in the words that were so new to him.

“..okey..” Kenma couldn’t help the small smile that began to bloom on his face. Shouyou felt his heart squeeze in his chest seeing it.

“..You can have other friends, though, I never meant _that_. I just hope I can stay close to you..” Shouyou was biting on his lips to get the words out of his mouth.

“Um.. do you mean you were.. jealous?” Kenma was genuinely asking that, trying to understand what he could do in the future to understand Shouyou better. It only made Shouyou blush.

“What?! _Nooo_! Well.. maybe.. I don’t know..” He blushed even harder. Kenma found it quite adorable, but didn’t say anything, just smiled a bit brighter and more bravely.

The rain was still pouring down and over the edges of Kenma’s umbrella. The two only noticed the loud noise filling the soundscape now that they were quiet. They were standing even closer to each other under the umbrella, getting used to the new atmosphere between them.

“Shouyou..” they both lifted their heads to look at the other. “I really appreciate what you told me.. It’s still so new and.. amazing to me to have a friend like you. You’re definitely my closest friend and I want to make more time for you from now on..” he spoke shyly.

It took only a few seconds until Shouyou’s arms were wrapped around Kenma in a tight hug. He kept squeezing the other like he would disappear otherwise, sinking his face to Kenma’s shoulder.

“.. so.. happy..” were the words Kenma could hear from Shouyou’s mumbling to his hoodie. Still holding his umbrella with one hand, he reached the other into Shouyou’s back to pull the other in even more. He could feel Shouyou trembling a little, from the cold or from his words.

Kenma felt content. He was finally so sure that what was between him and Shouyou was _real_ and genuine. He really _wanted_ Shouyou to be special to him like no one else, even though it still felt scary to imagine. He didn’t know what it meant when he felt something twist in his chest when he thought of the orange-haired boy that had already helped him change his life so much.

After a few minutes of tight embracing and racing heartbeats, they separated and continued the journey in silence that wasn’t tense or oppressive anymore.

“Shouyou! What about your leg?” Kenma remembered suddenly, when Shouyou had been basically skipping next to him under the umbrella.

“Oh. About that..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added this chapter quite late, because I think I needed something where Shouyou is vulnerable and insecure, and Kenma needs to help him and realize how important they already are to each other ^^ So, angst it is then, with attempted humor! There's also so many conversations in this fic, but I feel like it's the healthiest way they can get closert, so I hope it makes sense :)
> 
> But y'know, I'm getting pretty tired of the pining, so maybe we'll have something different next chapter ;))  
> I really appreciate kudos and comments so thank you for everyone!<3


	9. Baby, the best part of me is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The preliminaries and its aftermath make many feelings rise to the surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for homophobia, bullying and verbal abuse in this chapter!  
> Also spoilers for season 2 :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!<3

The darker evenings and cooler mornings indicated the start of fall. For Kenma it just meant staying even more indoors playing his DS under a blanket after school and the anxiety from the upcoming exams, whereas Shouyou had all his time reserved for practicing for his first volleyball tournament in the Karasuno team.

They found it to be increasingly hard to find time together. When they were able to, Kenma could clearly see signs of Shouyou’s excitement, anticipation but also tenseness towards his debut at the preliminaries.

Lunch breaks were almost the only time when they could see each other, although even those moments were sometimes replaced by Kageyama wanting to perfect their strategy with Shouyou. They did text everyday to exchange news about their day and Kenma was more surprised to be so excited to hear about Shouyou’s progress and new discoveries that he made at his practice than he thought he would. Kenma was happy to get some time for himself, but still found to be missing the other’s presence. He discovered that he didn’t mind being around Shouyou all the time, doing their own things but together.

Nevertheless, he was happy and proud for Shouyou, and could sacrifice his time with the boy, since the hobby was something Shouyou cared about. A few weeks ago he would have either denied this feeling and probably started avoiding Shouyou to cope with the loneliness, but especially their talk a few weeks back had eased his negative feelings and made him understand both Shouyou’s point of view and his own thoughts better. He felt he trusted his friend and could now be happy about Shouyou’s happiness and success.

It was only two days until Shouyou’s first games when he middle blocker called him late at night.

He still always shuddered hearing someone call him, but the fear was replaced with a warmth in his chest when he saw the name of the caller. The warmth mysteriously appeared often when Kenma interacted with Shouyou.

“Hey, Shouyou. Why are you calling this late?” He answered the phone calmly. He knew Shouyou wouldn’t take it personally. Kenma liked being upfront.

“ _Kenma_!” the familiar voice burst from the phone speaker. “ _How are you_?”

“That’s all your asking? I’m fine by the way, just a bit tired.”

“ _Well, no… I’m just tryin’ to be polite_!” Shouyou laughed and Kenma giggled at his thoughtfulness.

“So, what’s up?”

“ _You know already that the preliminaries start in two days, right? It’s all I’ve been talking about so I’d be pretty disappointed if you don’t.”_ Shouyou teased.

“I’ve heard about it just about 10 times every day.”

“ _Yeah, soo.. It’s sort of a big deal for me and the team and all and to be honest, I’m suuper nervous about it because I just want to_ play!!” Shouyou whined playfully. “ _And since it’s important to me, I was wondering if.. you’d like to come see the games_?”

“Is that possible? Aren’t they during the school day?”

“ _Well, some are, but most are after school or on the weekend. It’s just.. it would mean a lot to me to have you supporting me there. I’d probably help me relax too! I already know that the family and friends of my other teammates are coming to see too! You could even ask Kuroo to go with you, but I’d be, like, the coolest if_ you _came...”_ Shouyou sounded a bit restless, which Kenma interpreted as being nervous about asking him. Maybe Shouyou was wondering that he would decline because of the big crowd at the tournament, but honestly he hadn’t even though about it yet.

“I’d love to.”

“ _Really??! That’s great! I can send you the schedule, you can come whenever you want to, no pressure of course! Just tell me what games you’ll come to see and I’ll make sure to find you in the audience_!” Shoyou’s previous nervousness had disappeared into thin air. The implication was now bothering Kenma, though.

“Y-Yeah.” He stuttered “I’ll ask Kuroo to come with me too, I think. Good luck, Shouyou.”

“ _Thanks_!” The small promise made Shouyou wait for the games even more.

✿✿✿✿✿

So that’s how Kenma found himself sitting in the audience of a crowded gym, the chants of various schools and squeaking of shoes in his ears, as the first game of Karasuno was about to start.

He and Kuroo sat on the third row and, while the crowd was filled with familiar faces and supporters of their schools team, Shouyou’s eyes found Kenma’s the first and he kept glancing toward him through the whole warm up.

When the game started against the Tokonami High School, Kuroo kept commentating the whole match, chanting and clapping. They even happened to see some acquaintances and Kuroo’s classmates, with whom Kuroo had whole conversations about their teams tactics, but Kenma couldn’t really hear or see any of it.

Once the game had started, he couldn’t focus or even tear his eyes away from his friend on the court.

The anticipation was finally paid off with a win to Karasuno. Kenma had to force down his cheer, not wanting to attract attention. _Shouyou could continue playing on the court._

After a long day of matches, all back to back, Kenma and Kuroo finally descended from the audience, only to greet the team at the lobby of the gym. They had won all their games and were visibly beat after the long sets.

That didn’t stop Shouyou from giving Kenma a huge hug first thing.

“Did you see that, Kenma? We won!”

“That’s amazing, Shouyou.” Kenma smiled in Shouyou’s arms. “You played so well.”

Shouyou started blushing and rubbed his neck. “Y-You think so?”

 _No._ He didn’t just play well, he was phenomenal. He could clearly see all the potential Shouyou held and knew he’d go far. It made him so proud.

“I’ve always thought you’re amazing. I don’t know how I’m amazed anymore, but I am.” He smiled warmly.

Shouyou froze and stared at Kenma’s face only inches away from his. He carefully explored the color of Kenma’s eyes, the line where his hair changed from black to blond and his thin lips. He didn’t even notice how intently he was observing until the lips turned up and he felt Kenma’s palm in his hair, smoothing his hair down.

“You look so disheveled right now.” Shouyou knew Kenma was just teasing him, but the touch, in addition to the closeness and his own thoughts, made him back away slightly.

“Kenma! I’m all sweaty anyway.” Kenma just grinned at him.

“Sorry, lovebirds, but the bus is leaving, Shouyou.” A voice that belonged to Tsukishima, shouted behind the shorter boy.

“ _Waaaah!!”_ Shouyou panicked at the implication but quickly said goodbye and left embarrassed, while Kenma was left wondering why the nickname didn’t sound so bad.

✿✿✿✿✿

Next they battled against Date Tech, the game significantly tighter and harder. Kenma was on the edge of his seat the whole time, not even noticing that Kuroo had went to get some snacks.

As the game finally ended in Karasuno’s favor, Shouyou gave Kenma a thumbs-up from the side of the court. They had one more game ‘til the final the next day, if they won this last team. It seemed now that they would be facing Aoba Johsai at the finals.

Playing on his phone before the next game started, Kenma suddenly felt someone leaning over him and watching him. He quickly shuddered to face the eavesdropper, only to find a mini-Shouyou smiling at him from the next row of seats.

“N-Natsu?” He finally recognized when he saw Shouyou’s mother coming up the stairs too.

“Kenma-san!” Natsu threw her arms over Kenma’s shoulders to hug him briefly. “Mom, look! I found Kenma!”

“Oh, Kozume-san! How nice to see you again!”

“Hinata-san. You came to see Shouyou’s game?” He felt awkward, hoping that Kuroo would soon come back and maybe lead the conversation for him.

“Yes, we finally found a time to come with Natsu. She’s been so excited!” Kenma could see _that_ very clearly.

“Kenma, let’s go greet Nii-chan!” Natsu pulled him up from his seat and to the handrail of the audience.

Natsu soon found his brother stretching on the sideline and waved him over. Shouyou seemed confused to see Kenma with her.

“Natsu, don’t bother Kenma too much!”

“We’re just cheering for you, Nii-chan! Right, Kenma?” Kenma still felt awkward so he decided to just nod to her.

The last game of the day went fast as Kuroo chatted with Natsu and Shouyou’s mother. Kenma wanted to focus on the game, but seeing Natsu giggling and laughing made him happy too.

Natsu noticed how much Kenma was also enjoying the game and in the end, ended up sitting on his lap, waving and jumping up and down while seeing his big brother play. Kenma was first unsure, but Mrs. Hinata’s warm smile a few rows back reassured him, and, in the end, he did have a lot of fun with the talkative girl and his childhood best friend in the audience.

Even Shouyou noticed the loud trio on the seats and blushed when he saw Natsu being so affectionate with Kenma.

✿✿✿✿✿

Kenma didn’t want to believe it. The ball had dropped to the floor and a whistle sounded, indicating the end of the game against Aoba Johsai High. He saw many of Karasuno’s players collapse on the court with unbelieving expressions on their faces.

The game had been awful. It was a rollercoaster from start to finish. The small mistake from Karasuno’s team now meant the end of their journey in the preliminaries.

Kenma heard sobbing from the court but would have preferred to shut his ears. Kuroo was awfully quiet beside him, clearly upset at the outcome too.

“Hey, Kenma, I gotta go, but make sure Shouyou’s okay?” He stated more than asked. Kenma just nodded, not being able to move from his seat for a while.

After going through a range of emotions, he decided to go find Shouyou. He was probably feeling the loss twice as strong.

Kenma walked to the lobby and looked around but couldn’t see any sign of the team. They must have been having a team meeting in the locker rooms, so Kenma headed outside to wait. He knew Shouyou would come find him.

A few minutes pass, maybe ten, and the team starts lumbering out of the gym. As it was Saturday, they didn’t have a bus ride to school, but most were picked up by their parents or went to wait for a local bus.

He saw familiar faces, some not even lifting their gaze, some frozen into shock and others holding back tears. Yamaguchi waved to Kenma with a sad smile and Tsukishima without one. Kageyama patted Kenma in the back.

Shouyou came out last, clutching his gym bag to his chest, eyes red and puffy. Kenma didn’t dare break the silence before all the others had left and Shouyou was still standing at the door of the gym.

“Shouyou, come here,” he tried. It made Shouyou lift his gaze enough to look at Kenma’s shoes and slowly walk to him.

Kenma wasn’t sure how to comfort him. He was usually uncomfortable with other people’s negative feelings and when it was Shouyou, he felt even more nervous and frustrated, wanting to take away his friend’s sadness completely but not knowing how.

“I-I’m sorry..” It was Shouyou.

“What? There’s no reason to apologize, you did everything you could. You all played the best game I have seen so far.” Kenma sounded upset too.

“B-but..” New tears flood his eyes. “We weren’t good enough. I disappointed you.”

“You could never do that, Shouyou. I’m just now seeing you how strong you really are.” He tried to reassure the crying boy.

Shouyou just nodded a bit more calmly now.

“I know you are really upset.. I am too. I would’ve loved to cheer for you on the finals, but..” He couldn’t say anything more, because Shouyou was already sobbing uncontrollably in front of him.

“I-I wanted that too..” Kenma didn’t know what he really meant, playing in the finals or Kenma cheering for him in the finals.

“Come on.. Let’s go sit down.” Kenma placed his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and started walking towards a bench on the school yard next to the gym. Shouyou followed after him, still sobbing and sniffling.

Kenma sat down and looked at his friend to invite him sit down next to him. Clutching his bag, Shouyou slumped next to Kenma and lowered his head.

With Shouyou being exhausted and very sensitive at the moment, Kenma hoped to be able to comfort him in some way. He was still feeling very emotionally drained himself, but more important now was making Shouyou feel better. He knew that it would help his mood too.

“Shouyou, I know this is the first time you actually lose, but it’s also your first tournament ever. You’ll have so many ahead of you and you will learn so much more.” Kenma thought Shouyou was listening to him, because he was a bit quieter than seconds ago.

“And volleyball is.. it’s a team sport. It’s not your fault what happened. In my eyes it was just luck, because both of the teams were so equal.”

“But.. I always could have done more..”

“Yes, but that’s not the point to me. To me it’s most important that you have a team that supports you and that every one of you always tries their best. You can get through anything together and you will.”

“And I have you? You’ll support me?” Shouyou turned his head even further from Kenma.

“Of course.”

Kenma didn’t know what else to say, so they fell into a silence, both deep in thought.

When Kenma didn’t know how to continue comforting Shouyou, he suddenly remembered the night he had stayed over at Shouyou’s place. How Shouyou had asked Kenma to hold onto his hand and how it could _calm Shouyou down_ , as he had said. He thought it wouldn’t be a bad option to help Shouyou ground himself.

He silently reached for Shouyou’s hands, that had loosened but still held onto his bag. First, Kenma just softly placed his hand on top of the other’s, but soon began to pry his hand open from the grip. When Shouyou noticed what Kenma was doing, he soon let go and let Kenma lace their fingers together and drop them onto Shouyou’s thigh.

Shouyou was completely in shock but kept his head slow and hoped that Kenma wouldn’t notice how his hands were a bit shaky and starting to get sweaty again.

But when Kenma squeezed his hand to reassure that it was fine, that he wanted to hold onto him, that he _was there_ , Shouyou brought his other hand down too hold Kenma’s with both of his hands. He couldn’t even help caressing the back of Kenma’s hand with his thumb, having been hoping to do that for long already.

Kenma wasn’t surprised by the action like he would have thought, but was pleased that he had been brave enough to try. It seemed to really calm Shouyou and he smiled fondly.

Shouyou couldn’t help thinking what all this meant. To him, the signs were clear, had been for a long time. They had a deep and close friendship, but he hoped so desperately for more. He cared so much about Kenma, his feelings and opinions, but still wouldn’t want to ruin their special relationship with each other. That’s why he couldn’t really say what he thought about his friend, but moments like these seemed to happen more often with Kenma and it gave him hope. Maybe the other cared about him in the same way.

He sighed deeply and began wondering how he ever could confess to Kenma. If the worst happened, he would _have to_ reassure Kenma that Shouyou would still stay his friend, no matter what- and it was the truth anyway.

He finally turned his head to look at Kenma, who was already observing him. Shouyou drowned himself in the golden eyes and felt his heart beat faster. Kenma smiled at him softly and Shouyou wished he could say the words out loud.

“ _Hey, you fags!”_

_Those were not the words he hoped for._

Both of them startled from their shared moment, only to see Koyama, Takahashi and Endoo coming out of the gym. It turned out they had also been watching Karasuno’s games that day.

Kenma’s face immediately twisted into panic and concern, and Shouyou’s hands felt empty, when Kenma yanked his away. _This couldn’t be happening._

“Kozume, I hope you’d at least keep your dick in your pants in broad daylight. No one wants to see all this.” He must have seen them holding hands. _Shit._

“You don’t know anything, Koyama.” Kenma clenched his fists in his lap. He felt so scared, but he couldn’t show it right now. That would only mean they were right. That he was disgusting and wrong for even comforting his friend, who Kenma hadn’t told about being gay.

Kenma had considered it, seeing that there seemed to be other same-sex couples in Shouyou’s friend group too, but he couldn’t. Not when he had been ashamed of it for years.

“What was that, Kozume?” Koyama approached them quickly. Kenma never talked back at them, and it made Koyama furious.

“You’re just a little pathetic, disgusting fag. I bet that’s why you even left the team and don’t have any friends. No one wants to be around someone like you.” Koyama spat back. He could tell that homophobic insults seemed to hurt Kenma the most and that’s why they often targeted him with them.

“STOP IT! WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANYONE ELSE? I’M SO SICK OF YOU PULLING KENMA DOWN WHEN HE HAS DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO YOU! AND YOU DARE TO USE THOSE WORDS TO INSULT SOMEONE WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA! I’D TAKE BEING A FAG ANYDAY THAN A LOW-LIFE BULLY LIKE YOU! SO, FUCK YOU!”

Shouyou had gotten up from the bench and was facing Koyama head on. The words spilled out of his mouth. He had thought about it so many times when in middle-school, to stand up for himself when he was being called the same exact things. He had never thought it would matter, but now it did.

Not were they only making Kenma seem like he did something wrong for being a good friend, but they were insulting the whole community that Shouyou was also a part of. Shouyou wanted to say that he wouldn’t tolerate it anymore.

That’s why all the pent-up rage burst out of him. He wanted to show Kenma that being gay wasn’t bad, because how could Kenma accept _him_ if Kenma was being fed such blatant lies.

Koyama seemed thunderstruck that someone had actually tried to put up a match with him. He was preparing to strike back and maybe get physical with the annoying orange-head, but didn’t have time as he felt a hit in his left cheek and nose and fell back into the two others, who had hurried up to him.

Shouyou stood before him, grimacing with anger, still holding his fist clenched. He had punched the boy in the face and wasn’t going to back down now.

“I’ll have you know that I have my whole team, coach and teachers on our side and evidence what you’ve done to Kenma. If you don’t stop, I won’t hesitate to take this further.”

Kenma was still sitting on the bench with the most unbelieving expression on his face. Shouyou’s words rung in his ears. _Did Shouyou know about his sexuality? No, it’s not possible. Why had he then defended him like that?_

Shouyou had always defended him, which he appreciated but never liked. He hated getting Shouyou into trouble for him. He was still too weak to protect himself or Shouyou, when it was all his fault to start with.

Even so, Kenma felt relieved about Shouyou’s words. He had been so scared that Shouyou would think the same things about him, that it was actually _expected_ for people to react like that if they ever found out he was gay. But Shouyou seemed to not only be okay about it, but also actively defend it.

When Shouyou had punched Koyama in the face, Kenma was first horrified but now he felt like he could breathe more freely again.

He tugged at Shouyou’s sleeve and the boy turned to look at him. He looked so pained and upset, he had gone through so much already today, Kenma thought. The least he could do was to finish it himself.

He turned to the boys, Koyama holding his nose and the other two trying to make sure he was okay. “I will not report all the things you’ve done, if you leave both of us alone. I’m not going to risk hurting my friends anymore and I hope you realize how serious I am. I’m done.”

Then he turned his back to them, hopefully for the last time. “Come on, Shouyou.”

✿✿✿✿✿

They walked away from the scene in silence. Once they reached the end of the school yard and were finally out of sight, leaving the boys far behind them, Kenma collapsed from the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that had coursed through him for the last 10 minutes. He placed his hands on his knees, breathing slowly.

“Kenma! Are you okay?” Shouyou was immediately hovering next to him.

“Yes, I’m fine. That.. was scary.. but also amazing.” He smiled little, letting out a relieved laugh.

Shouyou still worried about him and couldn’t return the smile. He felt bad about the whole situation. He had also done something he shouldn’t have and maybe put Kenma in danger because of it.

He had also completely lost control of his emotions. He didn’t ever like being angry. But now he had been and couldn’t take it back anymore.

“Hey, can I come over to your house for the night? I don’t want to be alone..” Kenma had straightened up and was smiling again.

“Yeah.. Neither do I.” Shouyou responded with an uncertain smile.

They walked straight to the Hinata residence. They greeted his family, ate dinner with them and showered one after the other to get ready for bed. The whole evening after their arrival to Shouyou’s house had been tense.

They both knew they had to talk about what had happened.

The sky had already began to turn lilac and shift into the darkness of the late evening. Shouyou had offered Kenma the same _pawjamas_ that he had worn the last time and it didn’t fail to make Shouyou smile.

Kenma was sitting on Shouyou’s desk chair, legs pulled onto the chair, brushing the still wet ends of his hair when Shouyou came in, finished with his night-routine.

The sight made Shouyou’s heart squeeze and he decided to start their conversation. He felt he needed to, not wanting the conversation to be ignored.

He went to sit on the edge of his bed.

“K-Kenma.. about today..” his wavering voice filled the silence.

Kenma turned abruptly to face him, eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“I’m sorry.” Shouyou’s opening line made Kenma eyebrows dart even lower. “I went over the line there and endangered us both. I shouldn’t have shouted at them or definitely not resorted to violence like that. It just makes me just as bad as them. I didn’t think it’d be capable of something like that, but I was just so.. angry.”

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“Umm.. I guess hearing someone be so blatantly homophobic just gets my blood boiling. I use to hear it a lot in middle school and it just.. isn’t fine! I hate that you’d have to tolerate it!”

Kenma’s features softened. “I appreciate it a lot. But I hope you wouldn’t have to do that just for me.” He cast his eyes to his hands on his lap.

“It was.. not just for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m gay.” “Huh?”

Kenma stared at his friend in disbelief of whether he had heard correctly.

“I get it if you think it’s weird or don’t want to be around me. It’s big news and I’m sorry I haven’t told you. But I was scared, you know? You’re my closest friend and I care what you think about me a lot.” Shouyou rubbed the back of his neck. He had been preparing for the worst.

He had decided early on that he wanted to be honest about his sexuality with Kenma. But when he began noticing his own strange behavior around Kenma and finally realizing that he had a huge crush on his friend, the decision slipped further and further.

“You’re serious?” _You’re not just making fun of me?_

“Well, yeah! It’s not something I openly express but all of my friends know about it, though. Sorry, Kenma, but..”

“Shouyou, just stop apologizing,” he interrupted. “--everything’s fine. I’m fine and we’re both fine... And I’m gay too.” Kenma spun on the chair to face away from Shouyou.

“What? Are _you_ kidding _me_?” Kenma heard the bed squeak and knew that Shouyou had gotten up from the bed.

“Of course not!” Kenma pouted as he began to blush.

Soon two hands grabbed the back of his chair and it was forced to spin back. He see Shouyou hovering over him, hands on the chair.

“I.. I can’t believe it!” Shouyou’s grin filled his face. Kenma met his eyes and felt like his own were glistening looking at the genuine smile that had returned on Shouyou's face after the hard day.

“Why?”

“Because.. because I’m so happy! I was actually scared, Kenma!”

“Well, don’t be anymore.”

After that, the tension between them was replaced with fondness and warmth. Kenma could finally truly be himself around Shouyou. He had never felt like that with anybody.

He never had thought that he could feel this way with someone or that he could’ve come out to a person he had known for less than two months. He wanted to share everything with the boy from now on.

They continued their routines for the night, talking and laughing freely. Shouyou went to pull out the futon from his closet for Kenma when he was interrupted.

“Umm.. would it be okay if I slept in your bed too? If you don’t mind?” Kenma looked shyly at the bed in front of a window, still covered by a blanket.

Shouyou flushed red. “Of course I don’t mind!” He managed to smile, but really wanted to know what this meant.

Shouyou had already turned off the lights and climbed to his bed. Kenma was standing in the middle of the room, his pillow squeezed tightly in his hands.

He waited for Shouyou to settle in before he could place his pillow beside the other’s. When he had, he first sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. He was a bit anxious but he still wanted so much to be close to Shouyou.

He was distracted from thinking any more when the moonlight started to shine through the window at the middle of the bed. He suddenly felt a strange curiosity to look at it.

“Oh, look.” He moved to see out of the window, kneeling in front of the windowsill on the bed. “It’s a full moon.” Kenma couldn’t tear his eyes away from the big plate on the sky, even when he heard Shouyou shuffling out of the covers and sit beside him.

“Wow. I’ve never seen it so bright.” Shouyou whispered. Both of their faces were colored pale by the light.

Kenma’s curiosity was replaced by a stir that he couldn’t ignore. He felt he needed to say something, to savour this moment.

“Shouyou.." he tried to find the right words.

"..I’m so glad we’re friends.”

When he turned his head, the other boy had an oddly sorrowful look in his eyes.

“Me too.” Shouyou ended up smiling, but Kenma saw that it didn’t reach his eyes.

They stayed in silence for a minute or maybe longer, looking at each other, like they were trying to find something.

“We should go to sleep.” Kenma stated soon after. He smiled fondly at Shouyou who’s eyes were still fixed in Kenma’s and mouth parted. Shouyou briefly looked like he had woken up from a trance and nodded.

Before Shouyou could start getting away from the window, Kenma suddenly leaned into him, closed his eyes and—pressed his lips into Shouyou’s. Kenma _kissed_ him. It was a small peck, so tender and soft, but definitely a real kiss. Not an accident or a mistake but Kenma had actually _kissed_ him.

The moon had lit up Kenma's beautiful eyes and made him look even more ethereal than normally. Shouyou's lips still tingled from the sweet contact and his mind was racing, thinking about all things _Kenma_. Shouyou doubted it actually had even happened, for how much it felt like a perfect dream.

Before he could even react, Kenma had pulled away saying “Goodnight” and moved under the covers.

Shouyou was still sitting on the bed when the realization kicked in. He hid his burning face in his hands and wanted to scream but it would wake the whole house. He wanted to shake Kenma back up and ask what that was. He also wanted to grab Kenma and kiss him more.

Conflicted by all the options, none of which sounded right at that moment, he decided to imitate Kenma and retreated back to bed, careful not to touch or look at Kenma. He didn’t want to disturb the boy who seemed to be asleep already.

He couldn’t ignore what had happened, it would just have to wait til the morning. And _then_ , Shouyou would hopefully find out _what all this had meant._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHHHHH, there it is! I wonder how they'll figure this out ;)  
> We love an oblivious Kenma and Shouyou is just trying to keep up :'))
> 
> This turned out a lot longer than I anticipated, but I love so many scenes in this chapter!! I also finally caught up with the chapters I had prewritten but I try to not let it affect my updating :((
> 
> Comments and kudos are so appreciated! Thank you for all the readers for sticking with me and my fic! <3


	10. But you love me, you love me/ Why the hell you love me so

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou and Kenma have important things to settle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since my school started I'm definitely getting a bit slower with updating, but fortunately it's only a few chapters left!
> 
> Finally getting to the 'good stuff' so enjoy this super fluffy chapter! ✿

Shouyou woke up first. He stirred for a bit and rolled over in his bed when he suddenly crashed into something on his left. It was Kenma.

There probably wasn’t a better way to become wide awake than to wake up next to your crush that kissed you last night.

Kenma was still sleeping, lying straight as an arrow on the bed with his hands on his sides. Shouyou was pondering whether or not to wake him up too, but right now he wanted to keep staring at Kenma for a bit longer and also not have to face what happened the night before.

Just when Shouyou thought he might as well fall back asleep too, a sharp shrill voice was heard from outside his room.

_“I’m gonna go wake them up!”_ Shouyou immediately recognized Natsu’s voice and heard little steps from the hallway.

Before he could do anything, two pigtails peaked through a crack in the door.

“Niichan, Kenma-niichan! Breakfast is ready in 10 minutes!” The girl disappeared as soon as she had appeared. Shouyou was left staring at the door and with a stirring Kenma at his side.

“ _Mommy, you were right!”_ He heard Natsu scream from the hallway again. He didn’t want to start guessing what they were talking about.

Soon Kenma’s eyes slowly opened and he sat up, rubbing at them.

“Good morning, Shouyou.” He yawned with a raspy voice. Shouyou immediately thought about the last time Kenma had greeted him last night and the _kiss_ before that.

Shouyou was so confused and a bit worried about what to think about it. He liked it, had dreamt of it, _yes,_ but now he could only think that he had interpreted the situation wrong or if he was just dumb and hadn’t noticed Kenma’s advances before. He couldn’t let himself dream any more or feel excited, if this turned out to be a misunderstanding. The way Kenma acted, as if nothing had even happened, made him wonder what it had meant to him.

He concluded that the only way to find out, was to ask Kenma himself.

Kenma had barely gotten out of the covers sitting on the edge of the bed, still rubbing his eyes. Shouyou made to sit next to him, not too close, to make himself feel more comfortable talking about such a sensitive subject.

“Kenma.. about last night..”

Kenma first turned to him, looking calm and curious, no recognition in his eyes. It only reinforced Shouyou’s theory that Kenma acted weirdly indifferent.

“About the kiss..” Shouyou specified. That made Kenma’s cheek start flushing and he turned away. This didn’t do anything to help Shouyou’s confusion.

“You’re blushing.” Shouyou stated out loud.

“I—I feel kind of embarrassed for some reason..” Kenma stayed away from Shouyou’s gaze.

Shouyou felt his insecurities rise to the surface little by little.

“Is it because you didn’t mean to do it?”

Kenma paused for a while, like he was thinking about it.

“No, it’s not that.” He started. “I did want to do it..”

Shouyou was fiddling with anticipation as Kenma tried to taste the right words in his mouth, brows furrowed.

“I feel we’re such good friends and that’s why I felt like it.”

“Huh?”

Kenma looked like he was tired for being put on the spot, but Shouyou couldn’t let this go. He needed to know. “Kenma, friends don’t kiss.”

Kenma’s eyes widened but he stayed silent, now staring somewhere far away.

“I mean.. you’d have to be more than that to do something.. like kissing.” Now Shouyou felt embarrassed for talking about it. He had never actually dated anyone, nor kissed anyone, so this was kind of a big deal for him. Not that it made it any easier.

“But we’re best friends.. so, it’s okay?”

“Well, no.. Would you want to kiss your other friends?” Shouyou tried to explain.

“Hmm..” Kenma was thinking again. “No, definitely not.”

“But with me it’s okay?” Shouyou felt a little spark of hope in his chest.

“With you it’s fine.” Kenma looked at him again, now feeling sure of what he meant. _He liked kissing only Shouyou. Shouyou, who was his best friend._

Shouyou smiled to himself softly. He could maybe understand what Kenma was slowly getting at. Even if Kenma couldn’t really say it out loud or really understand his own feelings yet, Shouyou felt that he could start dreaming again.

“So..” Shouyou fiddled with his trembling fingers for a while until he reached to take Kenma’s fingers in his hand. “It this fine too?”

Kenma was looking at his hand that was being caressed by Shouyou, dragging his thumb over Kenma’s knuckles softly.

“Yeah.” Kenma sighed but you could hear the quickened heartbeat in his voice.

That encouraged Shouyou to move a seat closer to Kenma on the bed. He turned to face Kenma fully and slowly reached to cup Kenma’s cheek with his other hand, so slowly that Kenma could still back away. But he didn’t.

“Still fine?” He only whispered, knowing that Kenma could still hear him when he drew closer to Kenma’s face. Both their faces were burning up by now.

Shouyou was only inches away from Kenma’s face and he could feel Shouyou’s (nervous) breaths on his lips.

Kenma could guess where this was going, so just nodded to give Shouyou permission to continue.

Not long after it, he felt soft lips meet with his own, giving him a warm, loving peck to the middle of his lips. Kenma wanted to do something, to reciprocate, but was too nervous himself, so he just waited, eyes closed, until he felt Shouyou’s warmth draw back.

He slowly opened his eyes and bit his lower lip, hoping to maintain the feeling on his lips forever.

Shouyou looked like wanted to ask something, but Kenma knew the question and his answer already.

“It was fine. I liked it.”

“You’d want to do it again?”

“Yes.” Kenma answered quickly and already hoped that he could feel the softness of Shouyou’s lips again so soon.

Shouyou was starting to get actually excited, but he didn’t want to scare Kenma with it. He still wanted them both to find an understanding.

“Well, as I said, when people kiss other people, they usually are in a relationship..”

“I know that, Shouyou.” Kenma wasn’t _stupid_ , just.. _confused_? “I just.. thought that I wouldn’t need more. That just being close to you and maybe kissing sometimes but still staying friends, was enough..”

Kenma hadn’t really even thought about what he had done the night before. He had been tired, had been overwhelmingly happy and only _it_ seemed to convey his feelings to Shouyou in a right way. Now that Shouyou called him out for it, he had realized what he had done.

Of course, he knew that kissing wasn’t normal for friends, but with _Shouyou_ it seemed like the most natural thing to do. Kenma wasn’t against dating or reluctant, but he was scared. It could mean that he could possibly ruin their friendship. He was afraid that he was being too selfish and asking for too much, losing Shouyou in the end because of it. He wasn’t sure if he could take that risk.

He still didn’t think that he deserved Shouyou, and dating him seemed like a faraway fantasy he couldn’t really even dream of.

But then again, when thinking about it.. he would want to.

“I understand what you’re saying, but.. I like you, Kenma.. and I’d like to be in a relationship with you.” Shouyou finally let the confession slip out.

_Shouyou was willing to risk their friendship to tell Kenma what he felt_ and Kenma felt himself guilty for not choosing to do the same.

Shouyou continued when Kenma seemed to be in deep thought. “—We don’t have to be actually dating if you don’t want to yet, we could still kiss and stuff.. But eventually I’d like a proper relationship too.”

“I want to be able to kiss you and hold your hand and cuddle.. and I want it to be exclusively between us, that’s what I’m meaning with the proper relationship.” Shouyou looked around the room, anywhere _but_ Kenma, when he talked. “What do you want?”

Kenma was like woken up from a trance and tried to convey what he was feeling with words this time.

“I think.. I feel the same.” He started. “All what you said sounds nice and only when it’s with you. I knew that I liked you, but I’m not sure when it became so.. profound. I haven’t felt like this before and I didn’t even recognize these feelings or what I wanted to do with them.” He was still confused and torn by these new thoughts.

“But.. I like you too. I want to.. be with you too.” Shouyou couldn’t contain his excitement anymore.

“Really?! You sure?!” Once Kenma nodded with a smile, Shouyou laughed and embraced his friend- _boyfriend_ apparently, burying his face into Kenma’s shoulder. It felt so nice.

Kenma also took Shouyou in his embrace and rested his cheek on the boy’s shoulder, letting the wild curls tickle his nose and himself enjoy the closeness.

✿✿✿✿✿

If inside Kenma’s mind his whole life seemed to have changed with the new relationship status, outside little changed in the next weeks and months. They glided slowly but surely into the unknown of dating each other, but it came more naturally than Kenma had thought.

They still shared lunches with each other (though Kenma now hoped more often that Kuroo wouldn’t bother them so much), walked home whenever they could, hang out with their shared friends at school, after practice and sometimes even weekends. The change was only seen in the reducing distance between them, when they stood, walked or sat next to each other, in the brighter grin on Shouyou’s and softer smile on Kenma’s face in the other’s presence, and in the increasing time they spend with each other.

Out of sight though, their time together consisted of lingering stares, subtle brushes of their hands during walks home and occasional daring pecks to each other’s cheeks. Shouyou usually initiated all these, when they were far enough from the glances of too curious eyes. By the way Kenma blushed and smiled at him, he agreed it wasn’t all that bad when they were alone.

They had together decided to keep their feelings just between the two of them at first. Shouyou had no problem being open about their new relationship, but respected and understood Kenma’s wishes. Kenma’s reasons were solely that he wasn’t ready to come out to some many people yet, when he was still afraid of some of their reactions. He didn’t care what his class, Koyama or teachers thought but he also didn’t want to share his private life with strangers.

Kenma did worry about the reactions of Shouyou’s family and team, though. There was no fear that they would be against same-sex relationships (Shouyou had already come out to all of them), but he was afraid that they had something against _him._ Kenma wasn’t actually the perfect match for Shouyou, personality- or interest-wise. Even his looks were just average, with how often he sported his typical look of a stained hoodie, dirty, untangled hair and dark bags under his eyes. If anything, they were still very much opposites to each other and Kenma feared he would only keep Shouyou back. There was a chance Shouyou’s family and friends thought the same, _right?_

This fear eased a bit when Kenma agreed that they could tell Shouyou’s mom and Natsu, a week after the fateful night of their first kiss.

It had been a normal night after school and Shouyou’s practice, when Kenma had been invited to eat at the Hinata household (Shouyou’s mom invited him in a lot after meeting Kenma for the first time. Kenma wondered if Mrs. Hinata had a better motherly instinct than either of them realized).

They were talking about their day like any other time, when suddenly Shouyou slipped a quick confession of “Kenma and I are together” followed by shoving a big spoonful of rice into his mouth.

Kenma didn’t know how much a simple answer of _“Oh? Well, I’m very happy for you both, congratulations!”_ could warm his heart and ease his mind.

(Of course, Natsu had insisted that they should now spend even more time together and play with her often, after their mother had to explain to her that _no, that doesn’t mean Kenma’s coming to live with them._ Shouyou had probably never been so embarrassed, but later that night he hugged his mother tightly in appreciation and played Natsu’s favorite game with her in thanks for their acceptance and respect for him.)

✿✿✿✿✿

Shouyou was happier than he could have ever been, though. He barely remembered the bitter loss against Aoba Johsai just a few days after the game but was constantly thinking of the future. It held the preliminaries for the nationals, but more importantly Kenma on his side, cheering and sharing every moment with him.

Even though Shouyou was satisfied with the pace their relationship proceeded, he could still catch glimpses of uncertainty and insecurity in Kenma. Kenma also sometimes had trouble with showing affection to Shouyou, only okay with Shouyou’s initiative, which was unfortunate but still perfectly fine to him.

They had no rush, but Shouyou hoped to rid of Kenma from any doubts he had of himself as soon as possible. He of course _hoped t_ hey were only Kenma’s worries about the new, unfamiliar situation and his own feeling of inadequacy ( _that_ Shouyou could fix and tried to every night, when he told Kenma how amazing, kind, and wonderful the boy was before wishing him good night).

If the doubt bubbled from not enjoying the affection Shouyou gave him, it would be a whole different, heart-breaking story.

So, Shouyou wanted to do what any good, supportive boyfriend would, and planned them their first date, two weeks into the relationship. He thought doing something ordinary, but fun and exciting as a couple, could help reassure Kenma of whatever he was doubting. He would want to shower Kenma in love, recognition and self-confidence anyway, so he might as well start with a perfect first date.

Shouyou had approached the topic on one of their comfortably silent walks from school.

“Say, Kenma, would you want to hang out next weekend?”

“Don’t we always?” Kenma stated blandly, but with a small smile.

“Yeah, but like... a date?” Kenma had stopped. He felt a short rise in anxiety, merely because he didn’t know how to act on one. He would also want their first official date to be perfect, not wanting to disappoint Shouyou.

“You..sure? It’s a lot of pressure.”

Shouyou was happy that Kenma could already pin down and voice his feelings a lot more.

“I’ll plan everything, if you don’t mind. And believe me, I’ll probably be even more nervous than you.”

That helped with Kenma’s anxiety, but also replaced it with confusion.

“Ahh.. why?”

“Because I get to go on a date with someone so cute, of course!”

✿✿✿✿✿

Shouyou was secretly (or not so secretly) a hopeless romantic, so when he Saturday evening rolled in, he had made a reservation at a restaurant in town and chosen a dressy outfit for himself and prepared something special for Kenma.

He went to meet Kenma on the nearest station at 5 o’clock on a September Saturday. It was still warm, but the evenings started to become darker and chillier. Shouyou tried to be polite and arrive early but ended up seeing the pudding-haired boy already waiting for him at the station even earlier. Some things never seemed to change and Shouyou hoped they never would.

Kenma had decided to wear something a bit fancier but still comfortable for their date. Shouyou squealed internally, seeing Kenma in a nice dark sweater and black jeans. He himself had opted for a casual white button-up tucked into dark straight pants. When he reached the other boy (and spooked him when he placed his arms on his shoulders from behind) Kenma quickly relaxed and took Shouyou’s apperance in.

“You look really nice.”

“Ahh! You’re already making me blush, Kenma! And the date hasn’t even started!” Shouyou hid his face in his hands.

He took Kenma’s hand when their subway stopped at the station and lead them to take a seat. He was starting to let go but Kenma only gripped the hand tighter. Not that he minded, so he just hummed happily.

They got off after 10 minutes, a short walk away from the restaurant Shouyou had picked for them. It was a small, cozy okonomiyaki restaurant a bit further from the busy streets, and Shouyou had hoped it would suit Kenma well.

They got a table from one of the corners and started deciding their ingredients. It was still quite sunny outside, but the atmosphere in the restaurant was more subdued, dim and slightly romantic. It wasn’t busy, only a few people could be heard talking on the counter, in addition to the sound of meat sizzling and pots clinking in the kitchen.

It was perfect, Kenma thought. He couldn’t have picked a better place, time or even table himself, and _that_ exactly started bothering him. But seeing the other boy that he cared so much, be happy and excited about their date too, made him push the thoughts to the back of his mind.

They ordered from the friendly, young waitress, who soon after brought some flowers to their table. Shouyou thanked her kindly and Kenma hid the fact that he felt embarrassed by it. _Now it felt official._ They were on a real date.

Shouyou chatted about miscellaneous topics, like volleyball, what Natsu and he had argued about and what Ukai-coach had said to him at practice. Kenma liked to listen to it.

“Kenma you tell something about yourself now! I’ve been talking all evening!” Shouyou reached over the table, placing his hand for Kenma to take, if he wanted to.

“You already know everything.”

“Of course I don’t! There’s still so much I want to learn.”

The familiar question of ‘why’ rose into Kenma’s throat, but he ignored it. Maybe he could give himself a bit more credit. It was also natural that his boyfriend wanted to know about him, but wasn’t used to talking about himself.

“I don’t think I’m that interesting.” Kenma wanted to brush his fingers against Shouyou’s still waiting on the table but tucked his hand to rest under his cheek.

“I think you have a lot more to you than you think, Kenma.” The older boy stopped his own thoughts to listen. “You have hobbies, you have friends, interests and are even passionate about a lot of things, like games, consoles, even volleyball. You are talented in school, much better than I at least, and more importantly you’re kind, understanding and reliable. You’re unselfishly yourself. I don’t know what about all this makes you uninteresting.” Shouyou just smiled. Kenma wasn’t surprised that these sorts of confessions seemed to come so naturally to him.

“..I also don’t mean to only learn your interests and stuff, but I want to know you more deeply, like what makes you angry or sad or happy, or why you act like you do. That’s more interesting than anything to me!”

Kenma thought that he finally understood what Shouyou always meant when he complimented Kenma. He wouldn’t ever think Shouyou was uninteresting or boring or unfunny, so it wasn’t a stretch to see how Shouyou viewed him. He smiled a little at that and looked at Shouyou, saying ‘thanks’ silently.

“So—what do you want to do after high school, for example?”

Kenma cleared his throat after he felt like he could collect his thoughts again.

“Something with games probably.. I’m not really interested in anything else, and I’ve looked into some possibilities in the industry, but.. I’m afraid I’ll have problems because of my personality.”

“Why do you think that?” Shouyou sounded just a bit sarcastic, because he clearly could understand where Kenma’s doubts were coming from.

“I like to work alone, not be at the center of attention.. I don’t know if I’d be cut out for it..”

“I think you can find a path that would suit you. I believe in you.” Shouyou grinned.

“Well, what about you?” Kenma turned the question back, before he would get too confident from Shouyou’s honesty.

“Well, volleyball has always been my only choice.. I really can’t think of doing anything else..” Shouyou clenched his fist slightly on the table.

“I know _you_ can do it, though. I have absolutely no doubt about you.”

“But I’m not even that good yet, or even the ace of my team.”

“It takes time, but more than that it takes motivation, perseverance and talent. You have all of those.” Kenma quickly placed his hand on Shouyou’s on impulse. Even if he was still trying to find about his own purpose and future, he still wanted Shouyou to be there to share it.

Their food arrived and Shouyou squealed from the anticipation, but also from hearing Kenma’s words. They continued chatting with more lighter topics and lighter mood. After thanking the staff, the sun was already setting and Shouyou started dragging Kenma away from the shops and streets.

“Our night is definitely not over yet!” He answered when Kenma questioned the next plan of the date.

Kenma found himself being led through a park, close to the city but far enough that the air was only filled with sounds of nature. Kenma would have asked Shouyou to slow down, when they climbed up a steep hill, but didn’t want to reduce Shouyou’s excitement, clear in his pace.

“Here we are!” He stopped to stand on top of the small hill, looking over the sunset and a traditional Japanese suburban area. He glanced back to see that Kenma was still with him, only to see Kenma already admiring the view from the higher up.

“That’s so pretty!” Kenma breathed out. He had almost forgotten that Shouyou was still with him, before he felt a soft peck on his cheek.

“I wanted to have something special, just for you. So my mom recommended this place..” Shouyou rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. He then turned to the bench on the hill and sat down, starting to shuffle through his bag.

Kenma joined him silently, not knowing how to express the gratitude, affection and admiration he felt at the moment. He didn’t have to say anything, when he was offered a plastic container by his boyfriend.

“And now dessert!” The other celebrated. He opened the lid of the container, and a fresh, warm smell of apple and cinnamon hit Kenma’s nose.

“It’s your favorite, if I remembered correctly.” Shouyou grinned with blushed cheeks.

Kenma stared at the three slices of delicious-looking apple pie on his lap.

“You made this?”

“Of course! Only the best!” _for you_ , Shouyou wanted to add, but felt Kenma understood without saying.

Kenma picked a fork from the container and slowly lifted a piece to his mouth. It was incredibly sweet and sugary, just like he liked it, but he also tasted a bitterness that didn’t derive from the apple pie.

“I don’t deserve this.” He lowered his hand from his mouth.

“C’mon, it’s just regular apple pie.. I’m no great cook,” Shouyou laughed.

“No.. I mean I don’t deserve all this, I don’t deserve you..” He didn’t want to lift his head.

“Kenma.. I notice that you sometimes act like you think that. It’s so sad to see you doubt yourself so much.” Shouyou became disappointed, because he had hoped to rid Kenma of those thoughts on this date. “I wanted to make this perfect, so that you wouldn’t feel that way..”

“This _is_ perfect! But I don’t think I could have ever planned something like this, I can’t give you anything in return..”

“But I already appreciate the effort you put into our relationship even now! It’s not like you’re not doing anything! I’m so happy with you..”

“But I just don’t think I’m enough.. I’m not the same as you, and don’t even really know what you’d need or deserve.”

“Kenma.” Shouyou turned to him and took hold of both his hands, even though the other was still holding the fork. “You’re enough just by being you. It’s enough for me that you care about me enough to be here and that you care about yourself enough to allow yourself to enjoy this. Of course, I want you to show how much you like me too, but it comes in time and everyone shows it in their own way. Right now, it’s enough that we’re together here.” He smiled.

Shouyou seemed to always know the words to calm him down nowadays. He appreciated it, Shouyou was the voice of reason to his insecurity. Kenma could really see himself falling for this boy.

“I guess you’re right.. But promise me to not let me off too easy, either. I want to spoil you, too and make you feel important and wanted, just like you do to me.” Kenma smiled back.

“Oh, really?” Shouyou sounded embarrassed again.

“You kidding?” He scoffed playfully. “I feel like I can always turn to you and tell you anything, without getting judged or ignored. Just seeing you, not to even mention being near you or kissing you, makes me instantaneously happier and prouder to be who I am. So, really.”

Kenma had leaned in closer to his boyfriend, already feeling the other’s trembling breath on his cheeks. It was so easy to lean in and close the distance in a caring kiss that held all the feelings Kenma wished to convey to the most important person in his life. So, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The happy couple!!<3
> 
> Yeah, so I had already pictured from the start that Kenma is just super oblivious to his own feelings and gets totally confused about it xdd Luckily, Shouyou helps him with them!!  
> I also think their relationship would be so full of affection and appreciation to each other, so much so that Kenma doesn't really feel enough :''( I don't think it's so easy to accept someone else's love when you're not so sure you love yourself, and that's what I wanted to settle here! They can both reassure and support each other, and that's what we stan in this household!
> 
> Thanks for the lovely comments so much, and I appreciate every kudos and feedback I get! <33 See you soon again!


	11. I bet he never lets me go / and shows me how to love myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma's life continues normally, except when it doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, but I wanted to finish the last chapter too! It'll be up on Sunday!
> 
> Sooo, I want to address that even though I've been following canon quite a lot with the timeline, I haven't read the manga and that's why I'm sort of just coming up with things from here on, tho I've seen some spoilers. So if these last chapters don't follow canon so much or at all, it's just because I really don't know how the manga continues after the latest anime season lol  
> Also SPOILERS for Karasuno vs Shiratorizawa game :)
> 
> Here's some more wholesomeness for you!<3

Kenma felt happy.

The time he had been dating Shouyou turned to weeks and months, and he found it harder to imagine his life without the other. It felt strange to think that only a few months ago, he didn’t have anyone to really share his thoughts and everyday life with. He always had Kuroo, which he appreciated more than anything, but being with Shouyou had been different, right from the start. He tangibly felt like he was being cared about and like he mattered. Shouyou made sure of that.

They talked a lot about their relationship and about themselves when they were together. Sometimes it was exciting; Kenma was so happy to hear about Shouyou’s life and opinions, to have playful arguments about small things, without fearing that they were too serious. Sometimes it was embarrassing, hearing Shouyou praise and compliment him, listing all the things he wanted to do and see with Kenma, telling him what Kenma meant to him.

Sometimes it was also scary, opening his own heart and letting things out that he had buried deep, admitting his weaknesses and talking about his past. It was also scary to tell Shouyou how much he appreciated his help and all he had done for him, and how much he cared about Shouyou. Maybe he still felt like he didn’t deserve him.

But after every talk they had, when they ended with reassurance, loving words, acceptance and often cuddling, it became clearer that Kenma was happier now. Freer, more like himself. Someone he could be proud of being.

He didn’t think it showed outside, though. Shouyou was his safe place, their shared friend group was where he felt comfortable, but otherwise he thought that he acted just like always. In school, in his class, he was still the same shy, quiet, introverted and secluded Kenma. He wasn’t ashamed of it, but it was now easier to accept this side of him too. He hoped that people would see his personality in class as a part of him, and not as a weird or creepy behavior anymore.

So, he didn’t think anyone else had noticed. Turned out they had.

He was sitting in his classroom on a break before his last period of the day. It was already late November and the anticipation for Christmas had started to affect the class. Everyone was talking and chatting loudly with each other, which Kenma ignored, like he usually did, playing on his phone.

He had noticed that his class had basically left him alone now, not spreading rumors, whispering about him, or calling him a creep or a loner. That was probably because the news that he actually had some friends now and that he interacted with them like a normal human-being, had spread around the class the last few months, decreasing his bad reputation. Even Koyama and his gang only glared and ignored him in class and after school, not having confronted him once after September.

He was fine with it, not so afraid to come to school anymore, knowing that he would be left alone.

That was until he felt the eyes of his classmates on him that afternoon again. He immediately tensed, fearing that they had found a new thing to tease and bully him about.

To his surprise, it wasn’t anything negative that had attracted their attention, it seemed, when suddenly two people stood in front of his desk. Not too close for it to be intimidating but like they wanted to talk to him. It was weird and Kenma only eyed them quickly before he tried to focus on his game again.

“Hey, Kozume-san.” One of the two spoke. He was Saito, a quiet, friendly boy from their class, who Kenma had never talked to, but also had never spoken anything bad about him either. Next to him was Suzuki, the nerdy girl from their class with thick, black hair and glasses. “We were wondering if you wanted company. What are you playing? You seem really into it.”

He never thought he’d see the day that someone from his class would approach him. He first thought that it must’ve be a prank, but no one looked like they were trying not to burst into laughter.

“Umm.. sure, if you want.” He answered quietly and turned to his phone. It didn’t seem to bother the two, since they brought their own chairs around Kenma’s table and sat down.

“What do you think you’re doing?” A voice came from the front. Kenma didn’t need to look up to recognize it to be Koyama’s, who sounded annoyed. Kenma noticed it wasn't meant for him.

“Suzuki and I just wanted to get to know Kozume-san a bit better, no need to get angry about it.” Saito sounded worried- probably not wanting to cause trouble for anyone. Maybe he and Kenma were a bit similar then.

“Don’t waste your time. He’s just a loser anyway.” Koyama turned away, not wanting to pick a fight when there were people on Kenma’s side now. Not that Kenma asked them to defend him, but he appreciated it.

“Koyama, I think you should really stop talking about Kozume-san like that.” Now there was a new voice, and Kenma had to lift his head to see who was talking. He could have sworn he had been transferred into a different universe, when he saw it was Yamamoto, the class ‘delinquent’, or at least that’s how he called himself. He had been talking to Fukunaga at the other side of the class but was now beginning to stand up. “I’ve heard that you aren’t really giving him an easy time.”

Instead of walking over to Koyama and Koyama’s lackeys, he walked over to Kenma, Fukunaga tailing right behind him. Yamamoto slumped down on a vacant chair and Fukunaga smiled at Kenma.

He must have looked shocked, because Yamamoto continued, now addressing him directly. “I’ve heard from Ryuu that you’re cool, and we’re sorry we haven’t really ever talked to you. Fukunaga has always wanted to, but he’s just too shy.”

Kenma had of course seen these two volleyball players many times at the gym, but had never talked to them. He felt they had been ignoring him too, so it hadn’t been a big deal. But now he was kind of happy that they we’re in the same class. 

“It’s fine.. Thanks.” Kenma answered and all of the four people now surrounding him seemed satisfied with the situation. They we’re asking Kenma about himself, as if he was a completely new acquaintance, even though they had spent the last almost two years in the same class.

It was scary at first, but Kenma found it also easier than he expected. Saito and Suzuki seemed just as nerdy as him, interested in games, anime and literature, while Yamamoto and Fukunaga were a very amusing and entertaining pair of friends that kept talking about volleyball with Kenma.

After it seemed that Koyama couldn’t do anything about the situation anymore, Koyama apparently decided to finish what he had started in the first year.

“Just so you all know, I don’t care about Kozume anymore, nor will I bother him, I guess. I assume all’s cool between us, so there’s no need to turn on me now, Yamamoto.” Koyama sounded like he just wanted to save his own skin, but to Kenma, it was enough, like a phase in his life had finally ended..

“Well, I guess I have to keep making sure of that.” Yamamoto smirked to the boy trio.

Koyama kept ignoring Kenma for the rest of the second year, while Kenma started hanging out more with his new classmate-friends during breaks. All the others in their class seemed to accept Kenma a lot better after that day too, sometimes joining him, Saito and Suzuki. Yamamoto and Fukunaga usually came to talk to him if they saw Kenma at their gym. On the third year Kenma felt like he belonged in his class.

(During their third year, Koyama, Takahashi and Endoo even apologized to him. Kenma found that he could forgive them, even if he didn’t want to associate with them in any way going forwards. It seemed to be fine for the three boys too.)

✿✿✿✿✿

The first half of Kenma’s second year ended with probably Kenma’s favorite Christmas ever. On Christmas Eve most of the volleyball team went to eat together and ended the night in a Karaoke bar, and of course, Kenma (and somehow Kuroo too) had been also invited.

He stayed the whole night close to Shouyou, but also dared to leave his side enough to hang out with Kageyama, Lev, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. They even made him sing duets. His duet with Shouyou was much cuter than the chaotic one with Kuroo.

(After that night, when Kenma walked back home with Kuroo, he told his childhood friend that he and Shouyou had been together for a few months now, and Kuroo insisted that he had known all along and ended up crying.)

The Christmas Day Kenma spent only with Shouyou. They took a long walk first thing in the morning in the brisk winter air and baked some Christmas sweets with Shouyou’s family. Even Shouyou’s mother gave Kenma a pair of mittens as a present and Natsu had drawn Kenma’s favorite pokemon. Kenma and Shouyou decided to exchange their presents in Shouyou’s room, when the two other Hinatas had already gone to bed.

Kenma gave Shouyou a new water bottle for training and bright-colored hair clips, because he always borrowed (and sometimes never returned) Kenma’s.

Shouyou had gotten him a huge, orange hoodie, that only reminded Kenma of Shouyou’s hair. Shouyou also gave him a key chain, saying that they could match now.

Kenma decided to put it in his school bag, explaining that he wanted everyone to see it.

✿✿✿✿✿

The spring term continued with the new norm that was Kenma’s life.

He still had a hard time trying to balance his time with Kuroo, his first years friend, his classmates, the occasional volleyball matches they had on weekends and Shouyou. Mostly Shouyou won.

It started occurring to him that he wouldn’t want to be separated from the boy, ever. He didn’t really have any trouble opening up to Shouyou anymore and had noticed that even his other friends were now much closer to him. He wasn’t really mentally at the place he wanted to be yet, but everyday it seemed closer and easier to reach as his second year of high school came closer to end. Only the most anticipated event of the year was left- the prefectural qualifiers to the nationals.

The volleyball team was training hard again. His friends on the team made time to meet during their free time, meeting up at least once a week to go to a café or Ukai’s shop together, Kenma always included in their plans.

One afternoon in March, they once again decided to visit a boba café from Shouyou’s request. They seated themselves in one of the tables, chatting idly about which flavor they liked. Kenma kept glancing between the group, and suddenly he realized how much he cared for all of them. They were the people he spent most of his time with and he felt comfortable around.

He wondered why he hadn’t thought of this before, as he reached for Shouyou’s hand under the table next to him.

Shouyou had been sipping on his drink, but had immediately turned to Kenma, who only squeezed his hand tighter and gave him a soft smile.

“Guys, we have something we want to tell you.” All the chatter stopped suddenly.

“Umm.. Shouyou and I are dating.” He looked down and waited for their answers. Shouyou only stared at Kenma with wide eyes, looking surprised but also excited.

“We would be surprised if Hinata wasn’t so obviously crazy about you.” Tsukishima smirked.

“HEY!” Shouyou blushed while the rest of them laughed at his expression.

“I always thought it was only a matter of time,” Kageyama teased them.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me then??” Lev seemed just as oblivious as apparently Shouyou had been.

“So.. it’s okay?” Kenma asked to know that it wouldn’t change their opinion about him or their friend group.

“Of course. I couldn’t really see Hinata with anyone better.” Kageyama smiled and the others joined in.

“Yeah, we’re really happy for you two!” Yamaguchi stated.

_So, nothing has really changed_ , Kenma thought in relief, except that he could be even more honest and open with his friends.

✿✿✿✿✿

Like with every game so far, Kenma was overly excited about going to see Shouyou play in the qualifiers for the nationals.

When Karasuno had gone against Shiratorizawa and gotten out of the court as victors, the whole team had agreed that they had never seen neither Kenma nor Shouyou so ecstatic and happy. Shouyou kept bursting in hysteric laughter, while Kenma grinned the whole afternoon, teeth showing and blush covering his face. (Shouyou of course said they had won because he knew Kenma had been watching.)

He couldn’t have believed that he got to travel to his former hometown, Tokyo and enter the arena, where he once had secretly dreamt of playing, along with his teammates at Nekoma Middle School.

But here he was (Kuroo once again with him, they were staying at Kuroo’s relatives), in front of the tall building that contained the hopes and dreams of tens of volleyball teams from all around Japan and hundreds of young players, ready to take on their chance.

In the morning of the last day of the tournament, while the most important games were still waiting to be played, Kenma had taken his normal place at the audience on the third row, and was stretching his arms to stay awake for the exciting day. Even Kuroo had ditched him to go see Fukurodani’s game and said that he’d come back after lunch.

He tried to find Shouyou’s small figure on the court where their team was stretching, but had a hard time seeing any red-haired players.

The reason came clear to him, when he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his boyfriend right behind him, panting from having apparently ran up to the audience. He still smiled just as widely as any other time.

“Morning, Kenma!” He slumped himself to his side. “Ooh, so this is how the court looks to others!” He laughed.

“Morning.” Kenma wondered what Shouyou was doing there, away from his loving court. He decided to ask _after_ he had given a morning-kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek, which made Shouyou blush and intertwine their hands.

“Shouldn’t you actually be there on the other side though? Is everything okay?” Kenma worried.

“Everything’s fine! I’m here on a mission! But I also wanted to just see you..” Shouyou turned to face Kenma better.

“Oh?”

“Well, I wanted to get some reassurance from you.. It’s going to be a super important day.. I’m a bit scared.”

“I’m here for you. I think the best advice I can give you is to trust your team. I know they trust in you and so do I.”

Shouyou smiled shyly and let his head rest on Kenma’s shoulder.

“But after this day is over.. a lot is going to change.. The third-years are going to leave the team and our summer holiday starts in a few weeks too. I wish I could stay in this moment longer, just anticipating the future but not actually facing it just yet.”

Kenma dragged the fingers of his other hand through Shouyou’s soft curls.

“But only when some things end, can we move forward in life, Shouyou. It’s scary, but I’m also really looking forward to the future.”

“Why?”

“Because it has you in it.” Kenma smirked, knowing that Shouyou was battling against a furious blush.

“Well, I guess that doesn’t sound so bad.” Shouyou finally got up and started walking away, waving to Kenma.

“AHH, WAIT! My mission!” He suddenly stopped. “Coach Ukai said he wanted me to get you! He wanted to talk to you!”

Shouyou waited for Kenma to rise from his seat in a very confused state and they went down the stairs together. Ukai-coach was waiting by the doors of the gym, looking at his team in the gym.

Kenma stayed behind as Shouyou ran back to the court past his coach. It made Ukai turn to Kenma and he motioned for him to follow Ukai a bit further down the hallway.

Ukai stopped soon when they turned around a corner.

“I guess you’re wondering why I asked to see you, but I swear I’m not making either of us miss the game,” Ukai grinned at him. The coach usually only greeted Kenma when he caught the boy hanging outside of the gym back at the school. The situation was very weird to him, so Kenma just smiled back to him in embarrassment.

“I have seen you a lot around my players. Apparently you even play with them on weekends and have visited our gym to train our setters, too.” Ukai continued.

Kenma gulped. It sounded a bit too much like an interrogation.

“I’m gonna be frank with you, I have heard a lot about you from the team, they say you’ve even helped them with strategizing and practice a lot. More than that, Takeda-sensei pointed out to me just few weeks ago that he had heard about your skills as a setter and a team strategist. I was confused, because I knew that you only played a few weeks with Karasuno on your first year. _So_ , I pulled some strings and asked around and my old friend, Nekomata-sensei was eager to enlighten me about your past. And it was all good, he rarely seems that excited about an individual player’s skills.”

Kenma was flattered that Ukai had taken interest in him, but he wasn’t sure what Ukai was implying.

“Umm.. what do you want to say?”

“I mean that if you are as good as apparently everyone has been saying, it’s a waste that you only get to share your advice outside of the court. I think the team would really benefit from having someone on the team that could do what you do.”

Kenma’s eyes widened and he could now hear the cheering of the audience better than ever, bringing back so many memories from games where the same sound had surrounded him and his teammates.

The cheering from the gym was only rivaled by Ukai’s words.

“I’m saying that I want you on our team, Kozume-kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaahhh so i'm really happy how this turned out to be, there's a lot of short scenes but I think I made them work:) Positive vibes only for the two sweethearts!<3 Also that cliffhanger tho! 
> 
> The last chapter will be an Epilogue, a bit shorter than others, and I'll make it ready by Sunday if not sooner :) I'm so excited for you to read it and finally end the fic that I've had so much fun writing!!


	12. Oh, baby, I'm so in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third year

The ball went up.

The whole team followed the twirl of the yellow-blue ball with intense eyes, trying to calculate the route of the ball; who had been decided to end the game. It flew through the air to the right side of the court ready to meet its third touch where the middle blocker was waiting.

Kenma had a second to glance at the team, standing behind him on the court. Everyone seemed in place, ready to counter-attack if needed, eyes focused on the ball.

Then Kenma turned his gaze to what was even more important than the team behind him- it was Shouyou, jumping up and reaching for the ball.

It was the fourth set against Date Tech High School, and Kenma had just been swapped in on the last minute.

The “Iron Wall” school had been rumored to be their biggest rival in Miyagi this year. Date Tech had won after an intense game against Shiratorizawa on the same morning which was why Karasuno now faced the already tired-out team, fighting for the place in this years’ Nationals. The desire to play on Tokyo’s court again had only increased through the year as new players had joined their team.

Among them was also Kenma.

Thinking over Ukai’s offer during the summer vacation, Kenma had decided that it was too big an opportunity to waste. All the times he had watched Karasuno play, watched _Shouyou_ play, had made him happy to support such a strong team but eventually he felt that he wanted _more._ He wanted to be there with them, on the court or benched, he wanted to be a part of it.

So, when he joined the team right at the start of his third year, the whole team had been more than happy to welcome him in. He had known that Kageyama would maintain his position as the starting-setter, but he was the second-in to cover for Kageyama whenever needed. They ended up leaning on each other’s advice, practicing and strategizing a lot together, and felt he had earned his place in the team.

The best thing was still that he got to see even more of Shouyou’s skills, encourage and train with him. He could now not only observe Shouyou’s growth but be there to play a role in it. It was more than he could have asked for- Shouyou was truly going to go far in Kenma’s opinion.

But on that moment, when Shouyou’s hand finally came in contact with the ball and slammed it to the opposite side’s court without as much as a brush from the rivaling team, he once again saw a glimpse of the huge star inside Shouyou that would probably conquer the world with his charisma and talent. Luckily underneath it there was still the sweet, caring boy that he loved.

And he really did love Shouyou so much.

So when the referee called the game to end, and he saw the team, _his_ team cheering, embracing and laughing around him, he only wanted to see one person’s reaction.

Kenma ran to Shouyou, who was still staring at the ball, and crashed hard into the other’s body, squeezing him close.

“We did it.” Kenma whispered into Shouyou’s neck, his voice was loud enough that Shouyou could still hear it beside the roaring hall of their team’s supporters.

Shouyou only hugged him back in answer. Kenma knew that this was a big deal for Shouyou, he had pulled a lot of attention to his persistent and bubbly personality, knowing that managers and sponsors had been watching to find new stars.

Kenma backed away enough to place their foreheads together and cupped his boyfriend’s cheeks. Shouyou met his eyes and wanted to hold back his tears just a little longer.

“I love you so much.” Kenma looked him straight in the eyes and dared to mouth the words to him, even if the audience probably still had their eyes set on the team and Shouyou.

The first tears rolled down Shouyou’s cheeks and he grinned brightly, lighting up the whole room.

“I love you too, Kenma.”

✿✿✿✿✿

It had been a rainy graduation day in late March. The first hours of the morning had made the ground full of puddles and the raindrops now covering the nature glistened as a few ryas of sunshine peaked behind the passing clouds.

Kenma stood at the back of the school yard, looking at the cherry trees that were pink with flowers now. He was still wearing the school uniform, _for the last time_ , he reminded himself.

Other students rolled out of the yard quickly, holding flowers that they had received, hugging their friends, some walking away with their families. Kenma didn’t want to focus on them but kept his eyes on the cherry tree. He had already said goodbye to his friends in his class multiple times, and was going to have a get-together over the weekend with his closest teammates before Kenma had to start preparing his move to Tokyo to study.

Their team had had a farewell event for third years a week back, and he could still remember how he embarrassingly had given a speech at the end of the night, thanking each player for the year and being included in their team. Shouyou had cried.

_Shouyou._

Thinking of his boyfriend made him smile at the tree, and like granting his wish, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to greet the red head he had been waiting for.

“Hey.” Shouyou grinned at him softly. “So, you really graduated, huh?”

Kenma smiled back, immediately taking Shouyou’s hand in his. He wanted to remember this moment.

“I guess it’s true then.” He answered quietly.

He has so many things to say still, _I can’t believe this day is here, it’s going to be weird leaving this place, I’m going to miss you.._ but he hoped that Shouyou knew this already. They had talked about the future since the start of Kenma’s third year but it had seemed so far away then.

“How are you feeling?” he decided to ask Shouyou. He could guess what the feeling was, but he wanted to hear it from Shouyou.

“Good.. but sad, of course. I wish I could keep you here, in school or in Miyagi, but.. I’m also so excited for you.” Kenma smiled to him. “But I also want to be selfish and just whine how much this sucks… You are as constant in my life as volleyball is, and you’ve taught me so much about myself. I’ve always been kinda questioning myself and my skills, and just knowing you’re with me and looking after me, makes me calm down and feel like, a better, the best version of myself. I really never thought I could care for something or someone more than volleyball, but this is something so different. I really love you and I’ll miss you so much.”

Kenma could see tears beginning to form in Shouyou’s eyes. The words he gave to Kenma were just so _Shouyou_ and he couldn’t help smiling.

“Shouyou, you’re gonna make me emotional too.” He looked at the boy who had done so much for him. “I know for a fact that I’d have a very different life right now if I never had met you. It wasn’t a life I hated, but I wasn’t proud of it either. I have realized during this year just how lucky I am to have so many good people around me, my friends, our friends, our team and families… I was a scared, lonely kid just a few years ago and I never thought I’d deserve the kind of love that you’re giving me. You really are everything to me and I’m so proud that we’ve gotten through so much together and become stronger. I’m _so_ lucky to be loved by someone as amazing, kind and caring as you, and I want to live up to it too. I'm so in love with you and I will carry this feeling with me wherever I go, even if we’re not physically together anymore.”

Shouyou managed a trembling “yeah..” before he burst into tears, probably for the fifth time that day. 

“Don’t cry, Shou, remember we still have so many things planned for the next two weeks. We can spend all our time together, if you want.”

“Only if you promise that it continues even after you leave. I mean that we'll still keep in touch everyday and we won’t let the distance come between us.”

“I promise.”

It was funny how all throughout his life he had spend so much time alone, alone in his head with his thoughts, but at no point had he noticed the other boy slowly creeping his way into there too, occupying every thought and taking up residence in all the places where bad thoughts used to dwell inside it. He was never alone anymore.

It was so funny, in fact, that he laughed at the thought while taking Shouyou’s hand and walking out of the school gates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here we are!!!!
> 
> I won't say much about this fic anymore, other than that they lived happily ever after ofc :pp
> 
> Thank you everyone who has commented, given kudos and read this fic, you have given me the motivation to keep writing and publishing!! <33


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